10 Tips For Couples Transitioning from Partners to Parents:

1) Remember to use “I feel” statements when approaching your partner about something that hurt your feelings, i.e. “I felt _____ when you did ______. Next time, can you please do ______ instead?”  Or if you’re not comfortable with that, if that feels too confrontational, then try (my favorite!) question of Brené Brown’s instead: “The story I’m telling myself is…” In other words, you might say, “The story I’m telling myself is that you did XYZ because you’re upset with me. Is that true?” This gives the other person a chance to say, “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all. Let me clarify.” It can be like a code between you two for let’s talk about this non-confrontationally.

2) Start with “I know you’re doing the best you can” before explaining what hurt your feelings. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt from the start can diffuse a tough situation instantaneously. Another way to do that is: “This time has changed most everything for us, so let’s help each other know what the other person needs. Do you want to go first, or do you want to talk about it after you’ve had time to think and write it down?” And then you take turns talking about how to help each other avoid some of those pitfalls.

3) When he’s in fix it mode and you just want to talk about how you feel, preface the conversation with “I need to vent for a little bit. Can you please listen without offering suggestions until the end?” Or try, “Something that would really help me is if when I’m talking about my day, you would ask me when I’m ready to hear your suggestions, or wait until the end.” You can add on: “I want to hear your ideas next.”

4) If he’s feeling jealous of your time with the baby, like he’s left out, or feels like his opinions/ideas are not wanted or heard: validate, validate, validate. “I’m hearing that you feel left out.” Or if it’s about an idea he wants to try:  “Sure, we could try that and see how it goes.” Validating feelings takes the edge off of them. It shows you’re trying to work together.

5) Catch your partner in the act of doing a good job with the baby: “I love how you sing silly songs to her, read to her, tell her about your day while you change her diaper, are so patient when she’s crying because she’s gassy, make funny faces at her, play with her toys, etc.” Then take pictures to text your partner later when you’re apart as a love note or thank you.

6) Intimacy does not have to mean sex. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by, play with her hair while you watch TV, give him a quick peck on the neck. All of that counts towards making both of you feel loved. Oxytocin and endorphins released from touch are nature’s antidepressants!

7) Ask your partner to help you find the humor in the situation; laugh together about the giant poop blowout or the crazy bad piece of advice the neighbor gave you. Laughter will neurochemically help to calm you down and destress together.

8) When you’re having a hard time finding anything to talk about or appreciate about your partner, try reminiscing about and describing to each other the pre-baby good times: vacations you’ve taken together, really great sex you’ve had, dinner dates, when you first met. Shifting your awareness and attention to the positive reinforces your bond. Who knows, you might inspire yourselves to have really great sex tonight!

9) Dont let things fester: if you find yourself starting to keep score, or you have a long list of grievances in your head, it’s past time to have a chat in a non-confrontational way. Whether it’s during the baby’s nap on a weekend or while your parents watch the baby for you, do it before you feel contempt, bitterness or rage. Don’t wait until it’s super late and you’re both exhausted. Start with something that is going well, transition to your prioritized grievance, and end with something that is going well.

10) Even if you don’t want to, sometimes its ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner. You might surprise yourself and like it more than you thought you would. If you’re needing a little encouragement in this department, especially as new parents, listen to The Longest Shortest Time podcast episode #96 by Esther Perel or read her book, Mating in Captivity.

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My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Forgiveness. Will you join me?  #sbt

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Questions to Ask Yourself When Considering Medication for a Perinatal Mood Disorder

One of the things I’ve always struggled with when I hear a story about overcoming a PMAD without medication is the lingering question, could it have resolved sooner if medication had been used? And one of the things I’ve always struggled with when I hear a story about overcoming a PMAD with medication (since my experience in life has taught me that there is no such thing as a silver bullet) is the question, how? I’m all for using every tool available to you, but I can’t help but wonder…how did you know you needed it? How did it help you? What else did you do? So in order to answer those how’s, here are some questions to ask yourself when considering taking this tool out of your toolbox.

Symptoms

Yes

No

Have you had thoughts of harming yourself or your baby?
Have you experienced a lack of appetite leading to rapid weight loss?
Does your anxiety or depression interfere with your ability to care for yourself or your baby?
Have you had trouble following your OBGYN or pediatrician’s recommendations, either pre- or postnatal?
Do you use alcohol, marijauna or other substances to manage your anxiety or depression?
Do you have symptoms that worry you or those who know you? If they don’t currently know, would they be worried if they knew?

adapted from Nonacs et al. 2005

If you marked yes for any of the symptoms above, please make an appointment with your physician to discuss medication as an option to treat your depression or anxiety. An open and honest discussion together with your doctor can help you determine the best treatment plan for you and your baby. Please advocate for yourself to be well, even if that means asking for a second opinion with a psychiatrist who specializes in maternal mental health. Remember, even though exposure to medication might not be ideal in your mind, infant exposure to the symptoms of anxiety and depression can have a real impact as well.

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Your Postpartum Daily Vitamin

Find your mantra: Mine ways, “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m a fan of,  “I will be kind and gentle with myself today,” too.

Find your tribe. You cannot do this alone. You need people who get what you’re going through right now. And you might have to let go of some friends who are not understanding and helpful right now. It’s hard to make new friends, but more likely than not, that other new parent you see at the park is lonely, too.

Be curious. Step back and look at what you’re feeling from different angles. Don’t be afraid of your feelings and shove them away. You don’t have to deal with it right now. Just having the willingness to lean into the difficult emotion at some point gives you a sense of competency and courage that might give you the strength you need to get through the day.

Be truthful. Be truthful about your new reality. You have a new reality: a good one, but a hard one. Be truthful when others ask you how you are. Being truthful could free up someone else to talk about her struggles, help someone else feel not alone, help you find meaning in your struggle. Or it could help you find some much needed emotional and practical support. Acknowledge that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. Your mental state is affected by getting showered and dressed. Your feelings of shame are affected by binge eating. Don’t be afraid to speak the truth. Usually, speaking the truth out loud takes the power out of it.

Be kind: If you choose to be kind to yourself, you will feel that you deserve kindness and grace during this hard season. You would give it to another mom or dad in this situation in an instant. Give it readily to yourself. That means checking your mean thoughts at the door. You wouldn’t accept that from a friend or your mother-in-law. Don’t accept it in your own mind. Being kind means giving yourself grace when you feel you have messed up by looking at it as a learning opportunity, acknowledging that you need help sometimes and that is ok, learning from but not allowing yourself to ruminate on your mistakes.

Find meaning: Find a way to give back to the next mama you meet, whether it’s something as simple as opening the door for her while she’s struggling with the carseat, giving a meal to a new family after the birth of their baby, creating art out of your pain, or joining a postpartum organization to help others.

Practical things that helped me, and could help you, too. Everyone is different, but you never know until you try:

–Tell yourself, this won’t last forever. You will make it through this season.

–Ask yourself: What one thing can I do for my self-care today? (Not laundry or dishes, but something that nourishes your soul.) 

–Reframe worry as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so, stop ruminating when it’s not. Print out a STOP sign on your fridge if need be.

–Breathe. Take big deep breaths, lion breaths, sighs, etc. like you practiced for during labor.

–Sing out emotions as a silly song or dance. Silliness can diffuse the tension, makes the baby smile, makes you feel like a good mom, and makes you breathe! Singing is cathartic.

–Even though it sucks, exercise. Endorphins are Mother Nature’s antidepressant! 

–Even if you don’t want to at first, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner (It counts as exercise, right?) You might have more fun than you expected! Reframe sex as play. 

–Get your feelings OUT. Journal for 5 minutes. Belt a sad song. Scream gutturally. Dance to your favorite feel good song. Cry for 10 minutes. Make a list of all the things that are not right right now. Make a list of the moments that you felt like a good mom, the “I’ve got this” moments, fleeting as they may be. Just get them out.

–Celebrate the strength of women and mamas around the world. Look up a story about a woman you respect.

–Thinking about helping others with your stories, too!

–Talking to other parents who are ahead of you on the journey, .ie. done with breastfeeding or through the little kid phase, and seeing how their lives are more their own again can give you hope.

–Make a date with another parent. Seeing someone else going through the same thing can lighten your load.

–Download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice mindfulness.

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Sweet Pea Muffins a.k.a. Breakfast, Solved!

These are my breakfast saviors. Give me something I can warm up in 30 seconds and has fruits/veggies/whole grains in it to keep me energized and satisfied until lunchtime, and I’ll be a happy mama. Most importantly, I can eat it with my left hand while I juggle five other things with my right.  Enjoy!

Sweet Pea Muffins, so named after the nickname we gave to EV 🙂

Purée 1 c. defrosted frozen peas &  1/2 banana  with a tbs of water

Mix together with:

1/3 c. Agave 

1/3 c. Coconut oil 

2 egg whites 

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. lemon juice 

1/4 tsp. salt

1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. baking soda

1 c. whole wheat flour

(Gluten intolerant option: 1/2 c. Spelt flour plus 1/2 c. Bisquick gluten free flour,  aka Rice flour with 1/2 teaspoon of xantham gum and 1/2 of baking powder) 

1/2 c. Oats (oat bran makes it heartier)

Spoon into silicon muffin cups to the top and bake at 425 for 10 minutes and at 375 for 8 minutes. Breakfast, for mama or baby, solved!

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