Imagery for Creating your Calm Place

Allow yourself to be in a comfortable position, either lying down or sitting up. Remember that if you feel afraid for any reason at any time, just open your eyes and ground yourself in today. You are safe and you are in control today.

Taking a couple of long, deep breaths all the way down into your diaphragm, pause, and exhale any tension you feel.

Closing your eyes, find yourself in a calming place outdoors. Perhaps it’s a place you have been to before where you have only positive memories, or perhaps it’s not a place you’ve only seen before except in your imagination. You see a place in nature that is beautifully safe. In this calm place, only you are allowed. In this calm place, no one can come without your invitation. In this calm place, you are always at peace. And in this place, at the time of day of your choosing, at the season and the temperature that you like on your skin, allow your senses to become more and more alive.

Noticing the color of the sky at your favorite time of day, look around at the surroundings and allow yourself to see. Each time you come to your calm place, you may develop it and allow it to become more and more beautiful. Allow yourself to see what is here today. Notice the color of the trees or flowers or grass, or perhaps sand or water. Let the colors and textures come alive for you in this peaceful, calming place.

Listening to the sounds of safety, perhaps you hear birds or water splashing or the sound of wind in the trees or the grass…Breathing in peace, breathing out fear.

As you breathe in, you can even smell the smells of safety: perhaps salty sea air, or the sweet smell of a garden. Breathe in the smells of your calm place.

Basking in the safety and the peace, allow yourself to walk around, to be in this place, to notice more and more, to create more and more in this place. Perhaps building a shelter of some kind, a cottage, a cave, a tent, a tree house. And if it’s already there, you may add to it, planting flowers or painting it with color…Creating anything that you would like, creating special places for specific kinds of feelings that need to be healed, places to wash away fear and pain, such as a waterfall or a pool of healing water.

And now, breathing in the safety and the peaceful calm feelings, breathe out fear. Simply be in this calming place as you breathe and release fear. Stay in this place as long as you would like. And when you are ready, simply count yourself out by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, your eyes will open. And you will be awake and alert, and feeling calm and at peace. One… two…three… four… five.

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Breathing through Pain, or What Yoga taught me about Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Long ago, a wise friend once told me, when I asked her why she practiced yoga so faithfully, “yoga has taught me to breathe through the pain.” And while she meant the pain of holding poses that sometimes defy gravity or common sense, she also meant the pain and frustrations of life.

That coin of wisdom rattled around in the back of my brain for a few years, never falling into the right slot evidently, until EV was about 18 months old. I decided as a new year’s resolution to try yoga as a way to feel at home in my body again. I committed to go one night a week and/or use my lunch break on my two work days to attend class. (Naturally, I didn’t want to get too sweaty and then go back to work. No Vinyassa flow classes for me, thank you very much! So Yin yoga or Iyengar yoga it was going to have to be.)

Having never tried Yin yoga before, I consulted my friend who is a yoga instructor up in the Bay Area. She informed me that she hates it because it’s too slow…so I had a feeling it was exactly what I needed. When you have a high-energy child who talks and walks early, doesn’t sleep much, and wants to do everything “by my own,” a space where I could focus on melting into a pose, breathing slowly, and the challenge was in being still and quiet sounded like heaven to me. It was. I cried. I needed that…like a mother. And as I laid there in Shavassana, or corpse pose, at the end, arms and legs splayed out, letting my spirit float away on my breath, leaving all worry and responsibility behind for a few moments, I felt intense gratitude for that time and space, but also, for the power of the breath.

I only make it to yoga class about once a week, but when I do, it stays with me, sustaining me as a person and as a mom, until next time.

Here are some of the key takeaways from yoga that have helped me on my journey through postpartum depression and anxiety:
  1. Whatever it is, if it hurts, breathe through it.

    I don’t always realize I’m holding my breath when I’m hurting–whether it’s the emotional pain of a loss that feels unbearable to me in that moment, the physical pain of getting kicked in the knee while carrying my tantruming toddler to safety, or one of those intense feelings of anxiety when all the fears and unknowns of life knock the wind out of me. When I remember to keep breathing, slow and steady, I can create calm in my mind and body. It’s biofeedback. When you breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating, you slow your heart rate as well, and then your body doesn’t physically feel anxious anymore. So go ahead. Take some big deep breaths, lion breaths, or sighs like you practiced for during labor. You’ve got this.

  2. Along those lines, breathe first and act second.

    If someone is unkind to you and you can’t function, let alone figure out how to respond, give yourself time to breathe first. We live in such an immediate response type of culture, but it’s ok to give yourself time before you react. Actually, when you stop, breath, and think first, you’ll probably like your response a little better. If you could use some help in this department (couldn’t we all!) download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice breathing and mindfulness meditation.

  3. If your mind is not in a good place, count your breath!

    Count to four as you breathe in, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold the emptiness for four. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is what military snipers and emergency medical personnel trying to keep a trauma victim alive are trained to do. Counting your breath is not too simple to be effective. It’s for badasses. And you as a parent, doing a thousand things a day that no one notices, are actually keeping another human being alive. You are a badass. So breathe…in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. (Practice it now.)

  4. Do something for you, at least once per day.

    You might not get to do something that takes a whole hour, like yoga, but do something that brings you joy. Even if it’s for 5 minutes, it will start to add up and create a positive shift in your mood. Take a shower. Read a book for pleasure. Drink a cup of tea. Plant something. Go for a walk. Dance it out. Savor a piece of dark chocolate. Have sex. Trade massages with your partner. Build something with Legos that your five-year-old self would be proud of. Send a friend an encouraging message. Or hold a yoga pose and breathe. 😉 If you’re in Reno, come join me for yoga at the Studio!

 

Want more? Read about more of my go-to coping tools here. 🙂

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Comics FTW

I don’t 100% know why art rattles something out of its slumber in my chest, but when I recently found out about this series of comics by illustrator Molly McIntyre @brooklyn_rabbit , my heart awoke and did a happy dance! Molly’s comics meet you right where you ought to be, at the intersection of truth and humor, like this fantastic motherhood comic on www.everydayfeminism.com below. (How I wish I had known some of these things from the start!)

To top it off, Molly and my shero, social worker Karen Kleiman of @postpartumstress , teamed up for a raw, heartwarming, and humorous series of comics that they’re calling their #speakthesecret project. These comics are exactly what we need. Motherhood is messy and beautiful and hard. So let’s say what’s truly on our minds. Or draw it. Whatever works for you.

Creating art out of the feelings of loss and confusion is the most life-affirming thing we can do. It was the part of my healing process that I recommend to everyone. Even if you don’t think of yourself as artistic, there’s a creative bone in your body, somewhere, looking for an outlet. It’s especially important because when we’re honest about how we’re feeling, it frees up another person to be honest about how she’s feeling, and then we realize we’re no longer alone. And we can get some of the much-needed help that we deserve.

 

What have you created recently to express yourself?

 

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The Afterglow Support Group has Landed at the Nurturing Nest

Great news! I’m thrilled to announce my partnership with the Nurturing Nest, Reno’s premier education center for parents. I’ll be facilitating a new session of the Afterglow Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Support Group every Tuesday for six weeks, starting November 7th from 2-3:30pm through December 12th. We have space for eight moms… please share with anyone who you think might be interested!

We will cover topics related to coping tools, self-care, what to expect, questions to ask your provider when considering medication, communicating with your partner, and attachment with your baby despite this illness, as well as provide a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space to process with each other. Babies are welcome of course!

Sign up through their website: https://nurturingnest.pike13.com/events/3352028

Always remember, you are not alone. There is hope. With treatment, you will be well.

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Honored to be a Featured Story on Maternal Mental Health NOW

Did you know…

“in Los Angeles, 130,000 women give birth every year…. 20% of these women experience depression, with even higher rates in low-income communities. But, fewer than 1 in 4 new moms are actually screened. At Maternal Mental Health NOW, we want all new moms to be screened for maternal depression and anxiety and for those who are suffering to receive proper treatment.”

Before we move away from LA, I have to give a huge shoutout to Maternal Mental Health NOW for all the training, resources, and services they provide to moms as well as clinicians of all kinds who strive to help moms have access to good mental health care.

I’m honored to be included on their stories page. The more we share our stories of HOW we got better, the more we can reduce stigma, encourage others share theirs and get the help that they need. There is hope…and with treatment, you can be well!

The best part of their website is the provider locator tool at the bottom of their homepage so that moms can search by zip code and distance to find a therapist who is certified and trained in maternal mental health by themselves, and or Postpartum Support International. Imagine what it would be like if ALL cities had a coalition like this and trained providers in every zip code? A girl can dream…and get to work when we move to Reno!
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The FLOW Exercise

While doing a walking meditation, focusing on the beauty of nature around me–the golden hills dotted with majestic live oak trees and unexpected splashes of color from wildflowers popping out of the brush–it dawned on me that the avoidance I sometimes feel towards my feelings is a truly ineffective defense mechanism! Has anyone else noticed how if you try to ignore or avoid them, they’ll patiently follow you, tapping you on the shoulder until you acknowledge them? Or, if you do successfully stuff them down for the time being, they like to interrupt you later when it’s really, really inconvenient.

What if, instead of avoiding for fear of the pain they might cause, I could choose to be curious and open to the full range of human experience? What if, instead of running from them or trying to ignore them unsuccessfully, I could free myself from them by choosing where I focus my attention? What if I could feel them, call them by name, and let them float in front of me without fixating on them? I believe I am more than a sum of my thoughts and feelings–they do not define me, but they will if I give them more attention than they deserve. On that note, I came up with the acronym FLOW, to help me remember my intentions…

FLOW

Feel it

Label it (without judging)

Open the

Window to let it go

 

This visual was so freeing to me! I don’t have to be afraid of painful feelings. I can wonder where that thought came from and if I want to keep it. I can watch it flow on by. Or, if I’m in a more cantankerous mood, I can be righteously indignant like a lawyer and cross-examine my thoughts that are not helpful or kind to me. At least that’s a more entertaining way to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. 😉

Have you found that when you allow yourself to feel what you momentarily feel without judging it as good or bad that it dissipates more quickly or at least has less power over you? Is that something you would like to practice?

 

 

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The Support Group Curriculum is Live on Amazon!

The Afterglow: A Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder Support Group Curriculum  is live on Amazon…and I feel like I’ve given birth, i.e. elated and like I’ve been run over by a truck!

It’s been a long journey to get all the way here. Last June at the Postpartum Support International Conference, I looked around the bookstore and realized I didn’t see a support group curriculum. Hmmm, that seems odd. I know there are people out there facilitating support groups…What are they using?  A few conversations with social workers running groups confirmed they didn’t have an evidence-based tool. And others that I talked to had the desire and were highly qualified to lead support groups, but didn’t have the confidence to do so because they didn’t know where to start.

That’s when I got the bug to write this. Oftentimes in life, when you look around and think, someone should do this! The answer is: YOU do it. I read, researched, interviewed others, and drew from my own experience. What I realized along the way is that parenthood requires a complete reinvention of the self and the whole gamut of coping skills: holistic, Cognitive Behavioral, mindfulness, meditation, art, music, finding your parenting tribe, and yes, sometimes medication. And as I facilitated this group with many mamas (and a few papas), we thought about and discussed what that process of reinvention looks like while also trying to figure out how the heck to parent. At the same time. Did  I mention…it’s a lot.

Why the Afterglow, you might be wondering? As I went through Postpartum Depression and Anxiety myself, the image kept coming to mind of the light that lingers after the sun sets, radiant yet casting shadows. Expectations weigh heavy on new parents, especially the expectation to be the “perfect parent” and to happy all the time. Society seems to expect a mother to bask in the afterglow of having given birth, but for some, it is traumatic; and while it is an accomplishment beyond words’ ability to express, it can also leave some parents feeling like a shadow of their former selves. The afterglow is not enough. What is required is  reinvention of ourselves as parents… and a continual choice to turn towards the light. No small feat! But the afterglow is hopeful, too, for though the sun sets each night, leaving us in the dark, it also promises to rise each day. So this group is about sitting in the shadows together, taking the small but necessary bits of time to grieve their dark presence. Only by properly grieving losses can we create space to learn new tools so that we can appreciate, harness, and bask in the light again.

My hope in publishing this resource is to place it in the hands of people who will use it to help as many mothers with a PMAD as possible. Together, we can lighten their burden, give them hope, help them realize they are not alone, and guide them as part of a comprehensive treatment team towards 100% recovery— not merely surviving, but thriving together with their partners and their little ones.

 

“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world.

It is the glorious life force.

It’s huge and scary—

it’s an act of infinite optimism.”

-Gilda Radner

 

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Why the Afterglow?

I found this painting and fell in love with the name, of course, but mostly the interplay of light and shadow. I want to create my own version of it to hang on a wall somewhere in our new house, to inspire me whenever I see it to keep spreading light each day. Orange gives me energy. 🙂

Afterglow, by Seda Baghdasari

Why call the support group the Afterglow? As I went through the shadow of Postpartum Depression and Anxiety myself, the image kept coming to mind of the light that lingers after the sun sets, radiant yet casting shadows.

Expectations weigh heavy on new parents, especially the expectation to be happy all the time. Society seems to expect a mother to simply bask in the afterglow of having given birth, when actually, it can be physically traumatic; and while creating new life is an accomplishment beyond words’ ability to express, it can also leave some parents feeling like a shadow of their former selves.

The afterglow is not enough. What is required is a complete reinvention of ourselves as parents… and a continual choice to turn towards the light. No small feat!

 But the afterglow is hopeful, too, for though the sun sets each night, leaving us in the dark, it also promises to rise each day, giving us hope that the light will return.

So this group is about sitting in the shadows together, taking the small but necessary bits of time to grieve their dark presence. Only by properly grieving losses can we create space to learn new tools so that we can appreciate, harness, and bask in the light again.

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My Go-To Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Coping Tools

One of the hardest things to hear as a parent who is struggling with depression or anxiety is, “Oh yeah, I had postpartum depression and it just went away.” That’s great, but tell me HOW. How did it go away? Maybe her hormones evened out, or financial stressors resolved, or the baby started sleeping through the night, but when you’re deep in in, you need some tools you can pull out of your toolbox to get you through the day. Let’s talk about some specific Cognitive Behavioral Therapy coping tools for dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, or you know, the stress of plain old life:

All of these strategies require you to stop, breathe, and think, which helps calm you out of “fight or flight,” aka panic, mode. You might already use some of these techniques! I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I need to be reminded of what I already know is true. The goal is not to stress about mastering all of them, but to pick one and commit to giving it a shot today, or this week. So here we go:

  • Generate Alternatives: How often do we immediately jump to the worst-case scenario in our minds? Instead of believing the worst-case scenario outright, you play with and question it. For example, “What’s the worst-case scenario? (Don’t stay here.) Ok, now what’s the best-case scenario? What is the most plausible scenario? What are two other possible scenarios?” You come to realize as you ask yourself about alternative scenarios that your fear-based predictions are not guaranteed to come true. Sometimes our friends do this for us, i.e. “Oh that’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it!” But when we’re more isolated as moms or dads at home with the baby, we don’t always have those sane voices as readily available and we need to learn to start doing this for ourselves. You might have found yourself, on a good day, doing this naturally!

 

  • Empowering or “Anti- Catastrophic” Thinking: Deflate the fear fueling those worst-case scenarios by creating a strategy. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst-case scenario? How likely is that to actually happen? If it did happen, what would I do about it? How would I handle it and get through it?” You come to a place of empowerment as you ask yourself these questions. You are capable of coming up with solutions. You are a fierce mama bear. It’s in your DNA. What’s an example of a time you have done this for a friend or another mama to help her move from a place of helpless worry to empowered action?

 

  • Talk to yourself as a friend: This is one of my favorites because it’s so simple and effective. Challenge an anxious or negative thought by pretending you are talking to a friend instead, and you’ll find you might actually come across as more objective, compassionate, and kind. If you wouldn’t talk to a friend the way you are talking to yourself, or if you wouldn’t accept that from your mother-in-law, then don’t accept it in your own mind. 

 

  • Reframe Worry as Evolutionarily Adaptive: Did you know that anxiety is actually your brain being hyper-vigilant about doing your best for your baby? Dr. Judith Lothian wrote in the Journal of Perinatal Education that “High levels of estrogen and progesterone and their complex interaction with each other and with less well known hormones contribute to the pregnant woman’s increased sensitivity and emotionality, the tendency to be fearful, and heightened concern for her own safety and that of her baby. These changes propel the pregnant woman to seek safe passage for herself and her baby, foster her attachment to her growing baby, and, ultimately, guide her through the important process of giving more and more of herself during first her pregnancy, then labor and birth, then breastfeeding and care of her baby (Buckley, in press; Mercer, 1995; Rubin, 1984).”[1] The point is that intrusive thoughts of harm coming to your baby are not pleasant or something you want to dwell on, but they are nature’s way of helping you be the protective mother hen you need to be. Think about it, we as mothers care for the most helpless, least developed mammals on the planet, and so it makes sense that a switch would be flipped in our brains to turn on those annoying and sometimes horrifying thoughts to warn us to avoid sharp objects, take a wide berth around corners and edges, watch your step on slippery surfaces, dodge the snarling dog in case it lunges at you and your baby. When we have intrusive, worrisome thoughts, instead of being terrified or ashamed of them, we reframe them as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so. Think of it like a good thing gone overboard, and tell someone who will understand in order to take away the power the thought is holding over you. Shame causes us to be secretive sometimes. I will say it again: these thoughts are not pleasant or anything we need to dwell on, but they are intended to be helpful. Brush away the worry that you are going crazy like an annoying fly buzzing about your head. Thoughts come and go. Only when we focus our attention on them do we give them an unnecessary amount of power. Then, stop ruminating. Tell your brain, “I got the memo, I will avoid the sharp corner. No need to remind me again.” Print out a sign that says STOP or REDIRECT and put it on your fridge if you need a visual reminder. Or put a coin in your pocket to remind yourself that sometimes our weaknesses are the flip side of the coin of our strengths. I’m sure many of you can relate to this!

 

  • Image Substitution: When a negative image of a worst-case scenario, or an intrusive thought of harm coming to your baby, pops into your head, you literally envision the opposite. Are you worried about waking up in the night to a screaming, colicky baby? Then you envision yourself cool, calm and collected as you breastfeed her and set her down gently her in her crib where she is now sleeping peacefully. Are you seeing her head come into contact with the corner of the coffee table? Then you envision yourself being aware of the danger and taking a wide berth around the table and placing her safely in her stroller to go outside for a walk. Those thoughts might pop into your head, but you don’t have to give them power by focusing your attention on them. Shift your attention to something you want to happen. Do you think you could try that?

 

  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Did any of you hear the phrase growing up, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” I don’t like that phrase as a counselor, but sometimes when you don’t have good to think, there’s no need to think anything at all. Ground yourself in your physicality, in your body. We are more than our thoughts; we are body, soul, and psyche. If you feel like you can’t turn off the negative or anxious thoughts in your head, or if it’s subtler than that and you just can’t shake those down, blah, moving-in-slow-motion feelings, try this exercise called progressive muscle relaxation. It’s like a guided meditation you can do for yourself, in which you simply tell each of your body parts to clench and let go, and you physically do it. The beauty of it is you can do it sitting down or standing up, whether you’re changing a diaper, washing bottles, driving, showering, or laying in bed. Let’s try it now. Close your eyes if you want to. Starting at your feet, say to yourself, either in your mind or out loud, “Feet, tense up and release. Calves, tense up and release. Thighs, tense up and release. Hips, tense up and release. Stomach, tense up and release. Chest, tense up and release. Hands, tense up and release. Arms, tense up and release. Shoulders, tense up and release. Neck, tense up and release. Jaw, tense up and release. Head, tense up and release. Eyes, close and open up.” And while you’re at it, your OB would appreciate it if you would throw in a few Kegel exercises! How do you feel now? 🙂

My Stop, Breath and Think meditation for the day: Relax, Ground & Clear. Will you join me? #sbt

[1] (Lothian, 2008)

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Why I haven’t been blogging recently…

Something I wish were not true about life, or at least about me: when I am hurting, no amount of coffee, Zoloft, wine, endorphins or dark chocolate will do it; the only thing that truly helps is creating art out of the pain. At least I’ll have something beautiful to show for what I’ve gone through, right?

That’s why, after grad school I moved as fast as I could to San Francisco, that city by the sea that will always have my heart, to find other humans who have already realized that about themselves and fully embrace it. In San Francisco, practically every person is a walking work of art. Do you have hair? Dye it. Do you have skin? Paint it. Do you have something you want to express about the world–then build, sculpt, photograph, compose, dance, sing, write, or be a friend like it’s a work of art, because human relationships truly are the greatest collaborative form of art.

Since we left SF and had EV, my heart’s art quota has definitely not been met, and quite frankly, depleted. A dear friend asked me while I was pregnant what I had written recently because he knows that’s a core part of who I am, and I told him, “I’m growing a human! I don’t have the bandwidth for creativity right now.” I couldn’t believe I said that out loud, but it was true. Never before had I felt that way in my life. It turns out, I was about to embark on a lifelong journey full of a lot of “never befores”…that we are still in the middle of figuring out!

All that to say, I haven’t been blogging recently because I found myself at another low point and I didn’t have anything to say that I could say in prose. When that happens, only poetry will suffice. Usually, I don’t share my poetry with anyone (except my mom, once in a while), but this whole process of experiencing a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder and walking alongside other women (and men) who have also gone through it has cracked the door open for me. Everyone is ridiculously isolated because no one is talking about what’s going on, and that’s not ok.

I’d like to change that.

I’ve always been amazed by how a sliver of vulnerability from one person can begin to open up another person. If one person is brave enough to share, and nothing bad happens, maybe someone else will be freed from fear and feel able to share, too. And maybe if we can share what’s going truly going on with us, then we’ll be able to find the support and the healing we need.

So this time, I’m doing something I’ve never done before and I’m publishing my poetry with the hope that some of the imagery will resonate with some people to help them understand what many, many parents go through, or to help at least one person feel like she is not alone and that she will make it through. (Thank God for Amazon self-publishing! It’s my new favorite thing!) Here’s where I need your help…

For the title of this book of poetry, I’m debating between the titles of two of the poems, “I Gave Birth to My Heart” or “Motherhood, Reimagined.” What’s your vote? 🙂

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