Find your mantra: Mine ways, “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m a fan of, “I will be kind and gentle with myself today,” too.
Find your tribe. You cannot do this alone. You need people who get what you’re going through right now. And you might have to let go of some friends who are not understanding and helpful right now. It’s hard to make new friends, but more likely than not, that other new parent you see at the park is lonely, too.
Be curious. Step back and look at what you’re feeling from different angles. Don’t be afraid of your feelings and shove them away. You don’t have to deal with it right now. Just having the willingness to lean into the difficult emotion at some point gives you a sense of competency and courage that might give you the strength you need to get through the day.
Be truthful. Be truthful about your new reality. You have a new reality: a good one, but a hard one. Be truthful when others ask you how you are. Being truthful could free up someone else to talk about her struggles, help someone else feel not alone, help you find meaning in your struggle. Or it could help you find some much needed emotional and practical support. Acknowledge that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. Your mental state is affected by getting showered and dressed. Your feelings of shame are affected by binge eating. Don’t be afraid to speak the truth. Usually, speaking the truth out loud takes the power out of it.
Be kind: If you choose to be kind to yourself, you will feel that you deserve kindness and grace during this hard season. You would give it to another mom or dad in this situation in an instant. Give it readily to yourself. That means checking your mean thoughts at the door. You wouldn’t accept that from a friend or your mother-in-law. Don’t accept it in your own mind. Being kind means giving yourself grace when you feel you have messed up by looking at it as a learning opportunity, acknowledging that you need help sometimes and that is ok, learning from but not allowing yourself to ruminate on your mistakes.
Find meaning: Find a way to give back to the next mama you meet, whether it’s something as simple as opening the door for her while she’s struggling with the carseat, giving a meal to a new family after the birth of their baby, creating art out of your pain, or joining a postpartum organization to help others.
Practical things that helped me, and could help you, too. Everyone is different, but you never know until you try:
–Tell yourself, this won’t last forever. You will make it through this season.
–Ask yourself: What one thing can I do for my self-care today? (Not laundry or dishes, but something that nourishes your soul.)
–Reframe worry as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so, stop ruminating when it’s not. Print out a STOP sign on your fridge if need be.
–Breathe. Take big deep breaths, lion breaths, sighs, etc. like you practiced for during labor.
–Sing out emotions as a silly song or dance. Silliness can diffuse the tension, makes the baby smile, makes you feel like a good mom, and makes you breathe! Singing is cathartic.
–Even though it sucks, exercise. Endorphins are Mother Nature’s antidepressant!
–Even if you don’t want to at first, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner (It counts as exercise, right?) You might have more fun than you expected! Reframe sex as play.
–Get your feelings OUT. Journal for 5 minutes. Belt a sad song. Scream gutturally. Dance to your favorite feel good song. Cry for 10 minutes. Make a list of all the things that are not right right now. Make a list of the moments that you felt like a good mom, the “I’ve got this” moments, fleeting as they may be. Just get them out.
–Celebrate the strength of women and mamas around the world. Look up a story about a woman you respect.
–Thinking about helping others with your stories, too!
–Talking to other parents who are ahead of you on the journey, .ie. done with breastfeeding or through the little kid phase, and seeing how their lives are more their own again can give you hope.
–Make a date with another parent. Seeing someone else going through the same thing can lighten your load.
–Download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice mindfulness.