1) Remember to use “I feel” statements when approaching your partner about something that hurt your feelings, i.e. “I felt _____ when you did ______. Next time, can you please do ______ instead?” Or if you’re not comfortable with that, if that feels too confrontational, then try (my favorite!) question of Brené Brown’s instead: “The story I’m telling myself is…” In other words, you might say, “The story I’m telling myself is that you did XYZ because you’re upset with me. Is that true?” This gives the other person a chance to say, “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all. Let me clarify.” It can be like a code between you two for let’s talk about this non-confrontationally.
2) Start with “I know you’re doing the best you can” before explaining what hurt your feelings. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt from the start can diffuse a tough situation instantaneously. Another way to do that is: “This time has changed most everything for us, so let’s help each other know what the other person needs. Do you want to go first, or do you want to talk about it after you’ve had time to think and write it down?” And then you take turns talking about how to help each other avoid some of those pitfalls.
3) When he’s in fix it mode and you just want to talk about how you feel, preface the conversation with “I need to vent for a little bit. Can you please listen without offering suggestions until the end?” Or try, “Something that would really help me is if when I’m talking about my day, you would ask me when I’m ready to hear your suggestions, or wait until the end.” You can add on: “I want to hear your ideas next.”
4) If he’s feeling jealous of your time with the baby, like he’s left out, or feels like his opinions/ideas are not wanted or heard: validate, validate, validate. “I’m hearing that you feel left out.” Or if it’s about an idea he wants to try: “Sure, we could try that and see how it goes.” Validating feelings takes the edge off of them. It shows you’re trying to work together.
5) Catch your partner in the act of doing a good job with the baby: “I love how you sing silly songs to her, read to her, tell her about your day while you change her diaper, are so patient when she’s crying because she’s gassy, make funny faces at her, play with her toys, etc.” Then take pictures to text your partner later when you’re apart as a love note or thank you.
6) Intimacy does not have to mean sex. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by, play with her hair while you watch TV, give him a quick peck on the neck. All of that counts towards making both of you feel loved. Oxytocin and endorphins released from touch are nature’s antidepressants!
7) Ask your partner to help you find the humor in the situation; laugh together about the giant poop blowout or the crazy bad piece of advice the neighbor gave you. Laughter will neurochemically help to calm you down and destress together.
8) When you’re having a hard time finding anything to talk about or appreciate about your partner, try reminiscing about and describing to each other the pre-baby good times: vacations you’ve taken together, really great sex you’ve had, dinner dates, when you first met. Shifting your awareness and attention to the positive reinforces your bond. Who knows, you might inspire yourselves to have really great sex tonight!
9) Don’t let things fester: if you find yourself starting to keep score, or you have a long list of grievances in your head, it’s past time to have a chat in a non-confrontational way. Whether it’s during the baby’s nap on a weekend or while your parents watch the baby for you, do it before you feel contempt, bitterness or rage. Don’t wait until it’s super late and you’re both exhausted. Start with something that is going well, transition to your prioritized grievance, and end with something that is going well.
10) Even if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner. You might surprise yourself and like it more than you thought you would. If you’re needing a little encouragement in this department, especially as new parents, listen to The Longest Shortest Time podcast episode #96 by Esther Perel or read her book, Mating in Captivity.
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My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Forgiveness. Will you join me? #sbt