There really should be a Tinder app for moms who want to make new mom friends–it feels so much like dating! Scene: You see another mom in the park who looks like someone you want to spend time with. She’s pretty cute. So is her kiddo. You even have the same stroller! You both catch each other’s furtive glances. You take the plunge and ask for her number… She says YES! You suggest a time and place and then you agonize over what to do, (if I invite her over is that too forward?) what to wear, (does this shirt show too much cleavage because that can’t be helped while breastfeeding), and how to get a second date. (She said she wants to, did she mean it?)
When you’re already exhausted from juggling work/relationships/baby/life, jumping onto the emotional rollercoaster of mom dating is like adding one more thing you didn’t know you needed t
o do to your already impossible to-do list. But oh, do you need it. Who else can you commiserate with about the poop you didn’t know was on your shirt but kept smelling for three whole hours, until the sun came up and you went outside to walk the dog? Who else cares about which stroller/carseat/baby-wearing-thingamajig you should buy except another parent who has also spent too many hours to count researching these things and secretly feels superior for choosing the perfect product for her precious infant’s needs? When you want someone to laugh at the adorable thing your baby did this morning, like cooing all the vowels along with you, or cry with you about how much breastfeeding hurts like a mother, it’s going to be your mom friends, all the way.
I had my first mom date when EV was four months old. I was so nervous (and excited!) mostly because I was so lonely, and needed it so desperately. I felt the impulse to speed date and make mom friends fast, while simultaneously limited by the fact that I worked and wasn’t available everyday, or able to afford the expensive mommy & me groups, or able to string coherent sentences together because EV kept us up all night long. Everyone is dealing with limitations like that, even if they’re not the same as yours. I did take the plunge to ask for her number and invite her over to our house, and it didn’t backfire. (I got lucky. If that doesn’t happen for you, try, try again!) That’s what our babies are doing right? Everything they try is new. Be inspired by their fearlessness. It feels incredible to be instantly understood by a new mom friend. With a good mom friend, you don’t have to explain every, little thing, or justify all your choices. Mom friending is a no judgment zone, or at least, it should be. If it’s not, abort, abort, abort.
The first time that another mom asked for my number…wow! What a relief not to be the one doing all the chasing for once. The roles were reversed…woohoo! I had confirmation that despite the awkwardness, I was not the only one who desperately needed mom friends, too! And we, to this day, get together with our little ones almost weekly. I value her discernment, her insight, her frankness, and her empathy. Ultimately, this taught me to choose quality over quantity, mamas. Choose moms who lift you up and who you can learn from, but who don’t claim to have it all together.
Oh, but that tiny, insignificant dragon called Nap Schedules loves to rear it’s ferocious, little head and make life difficult. Sometimes you meet a mama with whom you have a great connection, and you have to be per
sistent and ride it out. You really like each other, but if your baby takes two naps exactly in the space between her baby’s three naps, you’re left with a half hour right after you wake up or before they go to bed to get together; it ain’t gonna happen. So there are some losses along the way, too, but I still maintain that being able to text an encouraging message or a “help!” or a “what do you think?” is way more valuable than nothing at all. In other words, in my opinion, no amount of investment in a mom friend will be wasted if it helps you feel less alone. And eventually, their naps will realign.
In a study in the Journal of Clinical Nursing by Leahy-Warren, mothers with strong social support (read: mom friends!) who also feel a sense of self-efficacy (i.e. confident in their parenting skills) were “75 percent less likely to be depressed” according to this recent article in the Scientific American. Having mom friends to bounce ideas off of, learn new tips from, borrow parenting books from, and confirm what you’re doing well as you observe your babies growing up together definitely contributes to that sense of confidence in one’s ability to parent well.
So, what worked?
- Smile. Say hi. Compliment something about her or her baby. Every mama could use some encouragement, and it’s a good place to start.
- Ask her how motherhood is treating her so far, and really listen. Sometimes words come out in torrents because she’s lonely and hasn’t talked to an adult in a few days. The gift of listening is the greatest you can give.
- Laugh about something that happened to you this week to break the ice. Poop stories always worked for me.
- Find a local Facebook mom’s group, or three. I’m in several for different reasons: an international one called the Motherhood Collective with approximately 5,000 moms that’s a great place to poll people and get quick feedback because there are so many members; one for my corner of LA for planning local playdates and getting recommendations in our neighborhood; and one for PPD, that at times, can get a intensely emotionally heavy, but at other times, is a safe space to be able to vent if I need to or ask others to help me remember I’m not alone. (Caveat: I do not spend much time in that last one because it can scare me or bring me down almost instantaneously if I’m having an emotionally permeable day. I cannot stress enough that you need to first of all, safeguard yourself emotionally.)
- Take the initiative. The ability to post a playdate option that works for your schedule and see who shows up is like a self-sorting process. That allows you to hold court instead of scrambling to get out the door and be late/frazzled/stressed about getting together. (How I wish I had figured that out sooner!)
- Pick a local park and go there every week, preferably on the same day and time, to see who you meet. Organic friendships will evolve from this type of intentionality. You will find EV and me at our neighborhood park every Tuesday afternoon from approximately 3-5pm. Simply knowing that a handful of moms and babies will be there most of the time is a huge relief. No planning necessary, anymore!
- Check out free introductory sessions at local children’s centers or museums. Going to a music or art class helps break up the day. Forget, “take one day at a t
ime.” Sometimes, as a mama, you’re not sure how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the whole day! Zooga Yoga has been that place for us, a place that we are both uplifted by with its cheerful orange walls and “Baila Baila” Spanish music class on Wednesday mornings. When you start to see the same people each week, it takes away some of the awkwardness of asking to get together outside of class. “Do you want to get a latte together afterwards?” doesn’t seem so silly when you’ve just finished jumping around the room to a rousing rendition of “Cabeza, hombros, piernas, pies.” - Good, old-fashioned Meetup.com works for a lot of people. Some people are really into stroller strides, or MOPS, or parent and baby yoga…and many of these meetups are completely free!
- Find mom friends with PPD/PPA, and find mom friends who do NOT have a perinatal mood disorder. (I think this might be the most important one.) You’re aiming to validate, and take a nonjudgmental stance towards, your feelings, while aiming to heal, and grow. I love how Dr. Shoshana Bennett asks, “Do you want to get back to your old self? Or do you want a better self?” Spending time with mamas who are not clinically depressed but still experience the normal highs and lows of parenting, will be equalizing for you.
- If you cant get over the awkwardness of asking moms for their numbers at the park, or it never seems to go anywhere, take your mom dating online! My friend, Olivia, and the creator of Hey! Vina actually signed up for an online dating site when she first moved to San Francisco to search for awesome lady friends…now, thanks to her app, you don’t have to! Their fun quizzes help you find a good friend match. (And Tinder backs them up!) Hello Mamas helps you find local mamas with “similar interests, schedules, families, challenges, and personalities.” Key word: schedules. Ah yes, back to the Nap Schedules…
Instead, do something that makes you sleepy: read something uplifting, listen to a podcast, journal your feelings, write down your to-do list that is bothering you, eat a light snack, or take a warm bath. You will generally find that you can fall back to sleep 20 minutes or so later. Practice breathing techniques. (In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four.) Do not do anything mentally stimulating such as working on the computer, and don’t watch television. The light gives cues to your brain that it is time to wake up
way, limit caffeine to when it is absolutely essential. Try to stick to one or two cups in the morning, and then switch to decaf to get the sensation of drinking coffee without the buzz. The jitters from caffeine can seriously mimic the physical symptoms of anxiety, or worse, of panic attacks, and can dehydrate you as well.