Helping Parents Survive and Thrive, Postpartum and Beyond
I am thrilled to announce I will be teaching a breakout session entitled “EMDR: Healing Sexual Trauma that Resurfaces in the Perinatal Period” at Maternal Mental Health Now’s next 2-day training on January 13 & 14, 2020 at The California Endowment in Los Angeles. The goal of the conference is to explore how sex and sexuality impact and interact with mental health during the perinatal period. Continuing education units will be provided. Early bird tickets available. Register now!
There’s so much truth here, and so much love from the friend who wrote it for her mom friend…be prepared to cry! (In a good way. 🙂
Nobody saw you,
nobody at all
at 3am when
they woke again.
Nobody saw you
picking up the peas,
wiping up the beans,
emptying the laundry basket,
taking out the bins
again
and again.
Nobody saw the crust of toast
that fell out of your bra when you got undressed at night,
such a glamorous life
being mum
wiping noses
washing faces
trying to stay calm.
(for Pete’s sake)
Nobody saw you
when you were so bored of playing princess ninja pirate turtles
but you said, ‘ok,
just five more minutes,
just one more time,
just one more go,
just one more round’
and then said it again ten minutes later.
Nobody saw you
holding the toddler who wouldn’t be put down
but also wouldn’t go in the buggy
but also wanted to walk but only in the opposite direction
and ‘oh look!
a stick/discarded lolly/dog poo/pebble/cigarette butt/the sky!’
Nobody saw you holding the sick bucket in the night
or on the way back from school
nobody saw you holding a jacket,
a rucksack, a book bag, a sunhat,
a scooter, the baby, a half-eaten apple
and an art project made out of three cereal boxes taped together
and covered in glitter glue,
holding soft little hands at bed time,
holding angry little bodies still kicking and shouting,
holding it together,
holding on,
holding a hungry little head
to a boob as hard as concrete
in those early days
of chaos.
Nobody saw you winding the bobbin up
and winding it back again
and pointing to the ceiling
and pointing to the floor
and pointing to the window
and pointing to the door.
Nobody saw you when it was raining again
and the kids were sick
and you didn’t leave the house for three days.
Nobody saw that.
Nobody saw how many times you watched ‘The Gruffalo,’
on the third day,
how many times you read about what happened to igglepiggle’s blanket
or the one about the inappropriate pets
sent by the zoo.
Nobody saw you in the car
when you dropped the baby off for the first time
when you promised yourself you wouldn’t
but you cried all the way home
all the same.
Nobody saw when you were empty
but you gave something
but you made something
but you thought of a game
but you said sorry to a little face
for being cross, for snapping again.
I haven’t seen you for a while
we haven’t chatted for too long
but I when I see those lovely pictures of your kids
you post sometimes
I feel like I am seeing you,
the mum behind the kids
behind the babies
and the bumps
and the toddlers smiling into the camera
I see the wipes and the nappies and the games and the songs
I see the snot and the poo and the tantrums and the kisses
I see you putting little arms
into little cardigans
and brushing tiny teeth.
(whilst being kicked in the face)
Nobody sees all of the things that you do
all of the ways that you manage
and with questions like,
‘So when are you going back to work?’
You can end up feeling like one of the hardest jobs
you have or will ever have done
is simply reduced to dossing around at home.
Nobody sees you sometimes
but you are building something
that will never be torn down
a love that cannot be removed
and sometimes it is boring
and sometimes it is the worst
and sometimes you have never been happier
Nobody saw how much you gave
every day
every night
every 5am
every 5pm
every moment.
Have I ever told you
that I think
you are such a wonderful Mum?
Let’s get pissed together soon ok?
~Anonymous
Allow yourself to be in a comfortable position, either lying down or sitting up. Remember that if you feel afraid for any reason at any time, just open your eyes and ground yourself in today. You are safe and you are in control today.
Taking a couple of long, deep breaths all the way down into your diaphragm, pause, and exhale any tension you feel.
Closing your eyes, find yourself in a calming place outdoors. Perhaps it’s a place you have been to before where you have only positive memories, or perhaps it’s not a place you’ve only seen before except in your imagination. You see a place in nature that is beautifully safe. In this calm place, only you are allowed. In this calm place, no one can come without your invitation. In this calm place, you are always at peace. And in this place, at the time of day of your choosing, at the season and the temperature that you like on your skin, allow your senses to become more and more alive.
Noticing the color of the sky at your favorite time of day, look around at the surroundings and allow yourself to see. Each time you come to your calm place, you may develop it and allow it to become more and more beautiful. Allow yourself to see what is here today. Notice the color of the trees or flowers or grass, or perhaps sand or water. Let the colors and textures come alive for you in this peaceful, calming place.
Listening to the sounds of safety, perhaps you hear birds or water splashing or the sound of wind in the trees or the grass…Breathing in peace, breathing out fear.
As you breathe in, you can even smell the smells of safety: perhaps salty sea air, or the sweet smell of a garden. Breathe in the smells of your calm place.
Basking in the safety and the peace, allow yourself to walk around, to be in this place, to notice more and more, to create more and more in this place. Perhaps building a shelter of some kind, a cottage, a cave, a tent, a tree house. And if it’s already there, you may add to it, planting flowers or painting it with color…Creating anything that you would like, creating special places for specific kinds of feelings that need to be healed, places to wash away fear and pain, such as a waterfall or a pool of healing water.
And now, breathing in the safety and the peaceful calm feelings, breathe out fear. Simply be in this calming place as you breathe and release fear. Stay in this place as long as you would like. And when you are ready, simply count yourself out by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, your eyes will open. And you will be awake and alert, and feeling calm and at peace. One… two…three… four… five.
As you might have noticed, lately I have been experiencing a lot of personal and professional growth with EMDR therapy integrated into my life and my practice. Several people have asked me what does it feel like? In the words of the founder, Francine Shapiro:
“People have different experiences of EMDR. Some say it is like rapid daydreaming;
some describe it as watching scenery go by from the window of a train; others liken it to
watching a DVD or snapshots in a slide show; some compare it to prayer, active
daydreaming, or meditation. Most people have commented that it is like going into a
painful memory and bringing along the sensation of comfort, like being rocked and
soothed when distressed. Sometimes people cry releasing strong emotions and
sometimes people experience physical sensations as their body releases its sensory
experiences. You always remain in control and able to stop, ask questions, or obtain my
help in figuring out and getting what you need.
Unlike exposure therapy, the experience of EMDR is NOT a moment-by-moment reliving
of a painful life event; instead the traumatic memory links up with positive, useful
information and resources that are also stored in your brain. EMDR creates “dual
awareness” which means that instead of getting fully pulled into a memory, the gentle
buzzing in your hands, eye movements, and auditory tones anchor the mind and body to
stay oriented to the present time and place while simultaneously remembering the
distressing experience. As with all trauma work, EMDR can be emotionally intense. At
all times I will be there to help you know you are safe in my office and to gently coach
you through any difficult parts of the process.
EMDR does not make people forget their painful experiences or stop being sad
sometimes about them; however the memories will become just that: memories. They
will become less upsetting because they will be filed in the brain as something that
happened in the past instead of being relived over and over in the present; you will be
able to recall them but without the painful emotional charge.
Because the part of the brain that communicates in images works faster than the part of
the brain that communicates in words I will encourage you to talk less than traditional
therapy. After each set of bilateral stimulation I will ask you what you are noticing and
then tell you to “go with that”. If at any time you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” please let
me know; there are many things I can do to help.
EMDR works by enhancing your body’s own natural healing processes. It is your brain’s
neural networks and channels of associations that control the EMDR desensitization
process. The bilateral stimulation simply helps you move your own eyes and awareness
back and forth across the midline of your body so that the hemispheres of your brain talk
to each other more efficiently. YOU CANNOT DO EMDR WRONG; everyone’s process
is wonderfully unique.”
The mind is fascinating, isn’t it? 🙂
Whether from childhood or adulthood, during pregnancy, birth, or from postpartum depression and anxiety, or from a recent loss, we all have issues we wish would stop following us around and triggering us. Lately, several moms have asked me about working on past trauma, so I want to share a little bit about EMDR and how transformative it can be.
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro, is a research-supported, integrative psychotherapy approach designed to treat symptoms of trauma and posttraumatic stress. EMDR sessions follow a specific sequence of phases, and practitioners use bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, taps, or sounds, to help the client process unresolved memories from adverse experiences. EMDR can be used to address any number of concerns, and it is compatible with other types of therapy.
The way Dr. Shapiro describes it is fascinating:
Bilateral tones or tactile stimulation can have the same effect for people who can’t or don’t want to do the eye movements, and you don’t need to talk about the experience to reprocess it.
EMDR has been accepted as a the frontline form of treatment for PTSD by the World Health Organization and the Department of Veteran’s Affairs. Studies show that it is possible to alleviate emotional and physical distress more rapidly with EMDR than with traditional psychotherapy alone. Trauma symptoms were eliminated for 100% of people who had experienced a single traumatic event and for 77% who had experienced multiple traumas after six 50-minute sessions. Because discussing the details of a traumatic experience is not required in EMDR sessions, the anxiety associated with confronting and revealing those details may be alleviated. Research has also indicated that eye movement is a physiological method of internal desensitization to the emotional reaction to the memory.
The best way I can describe it from personal and professional experience is that it softens the memory of the traumatic event so that it is less vivid, sharp, intense, or distressing. While it doesn’t erase the memory–and we wouldn’t want that because it is part of our life story that makes us who we are, and makes us stronger in many ways–it does make the memory more fuzzy, distant, and we are able to appropriately respond, rather than feel triggered. It is amazing to see the brain release the memories and file them away, healing itself with its innate capacity to do so.
More posts about some of the calming techniques to come! And for the Dads who experience vicarious trauma, here’s a website geared towards them that they can check out, too!
References:
Nothing is more energizing to me than talking about my work with perinatal mental health, specific tools we can use along the way in our healing process, and how finding our tribe is essential. Such a fun morning chatting with Diana Collins on the Healthy Moms Happy Family Podcast! 
Thanks, Nevada Maternal and Child Health Coalition for your support!
At the airport, on my way to Las Vegas to teach an all-day training about my postpartum depression/anxiety support group curriculum, this quote by Jen Hatmaker cracked me wide open:
“I’ve chosen the wilderness because it is where I can tell the truth…and gather with my fellow outsiders, but this limp will remind me of the cost, what lies behind me, what will always feel a little sad and a little bruised. Was it worth it? Unquestionably. And I hope the limp shows my fellow wilderness dwellers that I’m acquainted with pain and didn’t make it out here unscathed either. Outliers, I suspect it won’t hinder our wilderness dance party in the slightest.”
I’d been focusing on the stuff—the slides, the shoes, the snacks—to give myself some distance from the fact that I’m actually going to be teaching about something very vulnerable: how I clawed my way out of postpartum depression (with my husband’s help) and how to help others do that, too. But that vulnerability is my greatest strength, and I will sing about it as long as I live, so that others will know they are not alone.
At the training, I had the privilege of chatting with almost everyone who came, thanks to a glitch or two with technology, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise! I can’t tell you how encouraging it was to meet doulas, lactation consultants, WIC counselors, a yoga instructor, and other social workers who wanted to start support groups for moms and/or dads. This was literally a dream come true! I am working to plant the seeds of this group in as many places as possible so that as many parents as possible can access help for PMADs. One mom who is currently working through her own struggle said that when she’s been in recovery for a year, she’s going to start up an Afterglow group. I am so so proud of her, that in the midst of her pain, she is already looking to see how she can make meaning out of it and help others. Wow.
This is one of my favorite poems of all time, because it reminds us that feelings come and go. They might barge in unwanted sometimes, but they never stay forever. If we sit with them, they can be our best teachers. Sometimes they are here to clear the way for something new. So trust in that as you go through your day. And feel free to share this poem with other parents you know, who might need a word of encouragement as they process all the feelings and changes in this crazy season of life.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
by Rumi
translation by Coleman Banks
Long ago, a wise friend once told me, when I asked her why she practiced yoga so faithfully, “yoga has taught me to breathe through the pain.” And while she meant the pain of holding poses that sometimes defy gravity or common sense, she also meant the pain and frustrations of life.
That coin of wisdom rattled around in the back of my brain for a few years, never falling into the right slot evidently, until EV was about 18 months old. I decided as a new year’s resolution to try yoga as a way to feel at home in my body again. I committed to go one night a week and/or use my lunch break on my two work days to attend class. (Naturally, I didn’t want to get too sweaty and then go back to work. No Vinyassa flow classes for me, thank you very much! So Yin yoga or Iyengar yoga it was going to have to be.)
Having never tried Yin yoga before, I consulted my friend who is a yoga instructor up in the Bay Area. She informed me that she hates it because it’s too slow…so I had a feeling it was exactly what I needed. When you have a high-energy child who talks and walks early, doesn’t sleep much, and wants to do everything “by my own,” a space where I could focus on melting into a pose, breathing slowly, and the challenge was in being still and quiet sounded like heaven to me. It was. I cried. I needed that…like a mother. And as I laid there in Shavassana, or corpse pose, at the end, arms and legs splayed out, letting my spirit float away on my breath, leaving all worry and responsibility behind for a few moments, I felt intense gratitude for that time and space, but also, for the power of the breath.
I only make it to yoga class about once a week, but when I do, it stays with me, sustaining me as a person and as a mom, until next time.
I don’t always realize I’m holding my breath when I’m hurting–whether it’s the emotional pain of a loss that feels unbearable to me in that moment, the physical pain of getting kicked in the knee while carrying my tantruming toddler to safety, or one of those intense feelings of anxiety when all the fears and unknowns of life knock the wind out of me. When I remember to keep breathing, slow and steady, I can create calm in my mind and body. It’s biofeedback. When you breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating, you slow your heart rate as well, and then your body doesn’t physically feel anxious anymore. So go ahead. Take some big deep breaths, lion breaths, or sighs like you practiced for during labor. You’ve got this.
If someone is unkind to you and you can’t function, let alone figure out how to respond, give yourself time to breathe first. We live in such an immediate response type of culture, but it’s ok to give yourself time before you react. Actually, when you stop, breath, and think first, you’ll probably like your response a little better. If you could use some help in this department (couldn’t we all!) download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice breathing and mindfulness meditation.
Count to four as you breathe in, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold the emptiness for four. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is what military snipers and emergency medical personnel trying to keep a trauma victim alive are trained to do. Counting your breath is not too simple to be effective. It’s for badasses. And you as a parent, doing a thousand things a day that no one notices, are actually keeping another human being alive. You are a badass. So breathe…in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. (Practice it now.)
You might not get to do something that takes a whole hour, like yoga, but do something that brings you joy. Even if it’s for 5 minutes, it will start to add up and create a positive shift in your mood. Take a shower. Read a book for pleasure. Drink a cup of tea. Plant something. Go for a walk. Dance it out. Savor a piece of dark chocolate. Have sex. Trade massages with your partner. Build something with Legos that your five-year-old self would be proud of. Send a friend an encouraging message. Or hold a yoga pose and breathe. 😉 If you’re in Reno, come join me for yoga at the Studio!
Want more? Read about more of my go-to coping tools here. 🙂
I don’t 100% know why art rattles something out of its slumber in my chest, but when I recently found out about this series of comics by illustrator Molly McIntyre @brooklyn_rabbit , my heart awoke and did a happy dance! Molly’s comics meet you right where you ought to be, at the intersection of truth and humor, like this fantastic motherhood comic on www.everydayfeminism.com below. (How I wish I had known some of these things from the start!)
To top it off, Molly and my shero, social worker Karen Kleiman of @postpartumstress , teamed up for a raw, heartwarming, and humorous series of comics that they’re calling their #speakthesecret project. These comics are exactly what we need. Motherhood is messy and beautiful and hard. So let’s say what’s truly on our minds. Or draw it. Whatever works for you.
Creating art out of the feelings of loss and confusion is the most life-affirming thing we can do. It was the part of my healing process that I recommend to everyone. Even if you don’t think of yourself as artistic, there’s a creative bone in your body, somewhere, looking for an outlet. It’s especially important because when we’re honest about how we’re feeling, it frees up another person to be honest about how she’s feeling, and then we realize we’re no longer alone. And we can get some of the much-needed help that we deserve.
What have you created recently to express yourself?