Coping Tools

Afterglow Week Six:  A Meditation to Be As You Are

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Since the free app that I recommended for my curriculum guided meditations, Stop, Breathe & Think, went out of business earlier this year, I want to offer some lovely alternatives for you to use instead. I love this self-acceptance meditation by Cheryl Jones, founder of the Mindful Path. Feel free to read this aloud in the group, or click on the link to access the free audio available on mindful.com

1. Find your way to an upright and dignified posture. Close your eyes or lower your eyes in a soft gaze. Place your feet on the ground and relax your arms at your sides. Rest your hands in your lap. Draw your shoulder blades subtly toward each other, allowing the chin to be parallel with the floor. Lift the crown of your head toward the sky. Perhaps soften the belly and the jaw.

2. Notice what it feels like to stop. Notice what it feels like to be sitting in this purposeful posture in this moment, in this space. And perhaps now take a moment to welcome yourself to your practice, acknowledging your willingness to be here for yourself in this way.

3. Notice that you are breathing. There’s no need to change or manipulate the breath in any way. Allow the breath to be just as it is right here, right now. Simply follow the breath in and follow the breath out.

4. Notice where you feel the sensations of the breath. Perhaps you’re aware of the air moving in and out at the nostrils and the upper lip. You could possibly be sensing the gentle expanding and contracting of the chest and ribs. Maybe you feel the abdomen rising and sinking. Allow your attention to rest on the sensations of the breath as it flows in and out of the body.

5. As you’re sitting here with the attention on the breath, you may notice thoughts going through the mind. There’s no need to block thoughts out. Rather, see if it is possible to allow thoughts to pass through the mind one by one. Let go of any need to label thoughts as positive or negative. Good or bad. Find a neutral way to be with your thoughts. See if it’s possible to be aware of thoughts without grasping or clinging to any one thought. And also without rejecting or denying any particular thought.

6. Shift your attention now to any feelings that may be present in this moment. Breathing in and breathing out. Acknowledge any feeling just as it is. Sometimes we have feelings about our feelings. We may feel that one feeling is OK or acceptable while another is not. All feelings are acceptable.

7. Now, bring your awareness to sensations within the body. Warmth. Coolness. Tingling. Tightness. Pulsation. Relaxation. Hunger. Fullness. Notice what’s happening within the body in this moment. Do this with patience and kindness. Explore sensations both strong and subtle with curiosity.

8. As you breathe in and breathe out, notice if your posture has shifted. And then make any adjustments, if you’d like. Allow yourself to tune in to the body just as it is.

9. Center your attention on only the breath now. And as we near the end of this practice, follow three more full cycles of breathing. Be as present as possible for each one. Remember this place of awareness is always available to you because it’s within you.

10. As you feel ready, allow your eyes to open gently if they were closed. Get reacquainted with your surroundings and prepare to reengage with the day. Perhaps set an intention to bring awareness to all that you do and into each interaction.

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Coping Tools

Afterglow Week Four: A Meditation to Find Calm and Equanimity

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Since the free app that I recommended for my curriculum guided meditations, Stop, Breathe & Think, went out of business earlier this year, I want to offer some alternatives for you to use instead. I love this calming meditation by Diane Winston, director of Mindfulness Education at UCLA. Feel free to read this aloud in the group, which may be more time efficient if there are fussy babies present, or click on the link to access the free audio available on mindful.com

 1. Let’s begin with a few deep breaths. And as you take these deep breaths, let yourself soften into the present moment. Let go of whatever was challenging for you today and help yourself arrive more fully right here and now.

2. Notice your body wherever you’re seated: maybe you’re sitting on a chair or couch or bed. Feel your feet on the floor, feeling the solidity of the floor. Can you feel the connection between your feet and the ground? Feel the support and always remind yourself that you can go back to the sensations of your feet on the ground when you need a sense of grounding. When you start to feel anxious, when you start to feel some despair, irritation, frustration, come back to the present moment through feeling your feet on the ground.

3. Notice other parts of the body softening, resting. Feel your legs supported. Feel your pelvis and feel your back against the chair. Or just notice your back and stomach area.

4. Take another deep breath while softening your stomach area. Feel your hands and fingers and let them be soft. Let your arms and shoulders soften, too. Relax your neck, throat, and facial muscles.

5. How are you feeling now? Check in with you heart, your emotions. See if you can let whatever is here be here. This is space and time for you.

6. Turn your attention toward the sounds around you. Listen to sounds as they come and go. There may be a sound of silence where you are. We’re not getting lost in a story about the sounds. Instead, we’re just listening.

7. Now, shift your attention to your breath and your body. Feel your abdomen or chest rising and falling. Let your breath be natural at its own natural rhythm, and exhale through your nose. Notice the air moving in your body: at your abdomen or chest or nose.

8. To help us find some stability and calm, and come back to ourselves, let’s go back to the breath. Choose an anchor of attention that is easiest or clearest for you to follow. Or if you enjoyed listening to sounds, you can continue doing that. It’s helpful to have one thing to focus on. Our attention will wander and we simply bring it back.

9. As we continue meditating, we’ll shift to the practice of cultivating equanimity. To begin, bring to mind a time in your life when you felt you had some equanimity. And this may have been very recently or it may have been a long time ago. It may have been something major when you handled something in a way that you surprised you. It may been something small, like a moment when you felt present.See if you can remember that time well. Remember where you were. Remember what you could see. Remember what you could hear. Remember what you could smell. Most importantly, what did you feel in your body?

10. Bring your attention to what you felt in your body. Notice what qualities you could discern. Did you feel strong or centered. Powerful, relaxed, or open? Feel that right now. Feel that experience. And if you want to use phrases to remind yourself, you can say something like, “I could be with this as it was.” “I could handle it.” “I handled this with ease, with equanimity.” “It might not have been easy, but with balance I got through it.” Listen to sounds as they come and go. Notice what you’re feeling. Notice a sense of balance and even-mindedness.

11. Now, let’s see if there’s a part of our body that feels at ease. And if there’s nothing that feels good in your body right now, maybe open your eyes and look for something attractive in front of you, like a flower out the window or something else that’s pleasing.

12. And now try to think of a way in which you’re not having equanimity these days. If you’re newer to this practice, just start with something simple in your life. Someplace where you don’t have equanimity. It could be in relation to another person, it could be in relation to yourself. Bring that situation or that person or the place where you don’t have equanimity to mind. Notice how it feels in your body right now. Notice how you’re feeling. You can also notice the part of you that feels at ease and let yourself connect with that part of your body. And we might say, “Things are as they are.” “May I be with things as they are.” “You are as you are.” “May I be with you as you are.” “Life is as it is.” “Can I be with this as it is?” “May I one day be with life as it is.” “May I consider the possibility of being with things as they are.” “May I know I’ll get through this.”  

13. As you say your own phrases or my words, notice what’s happening in your body. And if you start to feel more of this quality of equanimity, really let it be here.

14. Remember how it felt in the previous memory? Can you bring that here right now for this difficult situation? You can be with things are they are. Things are as they are.

15. There may be a voice inside of you saying, “No, I can’t be with things.” “It’s unfair.” or “Things are really bad.” Can you bring some kindness and compassion to yourself right now for that voice? It’s so understandable, so real, and we’re all feeling that at various times. For whatever I’m experiencing, can I hold myself with kindness?

16. And whether or not there is strong equanimity, if you want to bring back that earlier memory where there was equanimity, let’s send it out into the world. Equanimity is even-mindedness, balance, and courage. So, in your mind, generate the quality and send it out throughout the world, touching all the people who need it right now.

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Coping Tools

Afterglow Week Three Meditation: A Moment of Loving Kindness

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Since the free app that I recommended for my curriculum guided meditations, Stop, Breathe & Think, went out of business earlier this year, I want to offer some alternatives for you to use instead. I love this liberating, loving kindness meditation by Dr. Shelly Harrell. Feel free to read this aloud in the group, which may be more time efficient, or click on the link to access the free audio available on mindful.com

1. Invite your body to relax, rolling back your shoulders. Open up your heart space. And allow your breath with every inhale to move through the heart. And every exhale to move back to the heart. I have recently learned that the heart actually sends more messages to the brain and the brain to the heart.

2. Drop your gaze or close your eyes, inviting the body to relax. Please let these phrases wash over you, replenishing, refreshing, and nourishing your soul. May you live in truth and be free. May the light of truth open your eyes and liberate your soul to express its highest calling. May you hear your inner wisdom voice and discern its messages from the illusions, projections, hype, and lies.

3. May any imprisoned part of your being be liberated, unchained, and unshackled from all that keeps you in bondage in any way. May you release and let go of habits, patterns, and behaviors that no longer serve you. May you transcend limitations, those imposed by others and those you have imposed on yourself.

4. May you know that within each moment lives the freedom to choose and to begin again. May you know the divine truth of who you really are, your worth and your value, your gifts and your purpose. May you be free.

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Coping Tools, Handouts, Healing through Art

When “Nobody Saw You”

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There’s so much truth here, and so much love from the friend who wrote it for her mom friend…be prepared to cry! (In a good way. 🙂

 

Nobody saw you,

nobody at all

at 3am when

they woke again.

Nobody saw you

picking up the peas,

wiping up the beans,

emptying the laundry basket,

taking out the bins

again

and again.

Nobody saw the crust of toast

that fell out of your bra when you got undressed at night,

such a glamorous life

being mum

wiping noses

washing faces

trying to stay calm.

(for Pete’s sake)

Nobody saw you

when you were so bored of playing princess ninja pirate turtles

but you said, ‘ok,

just five more minutes,

just one more time,

just one more go,

just one more round’

and then said it again ten minutes later.

Nobody saw you

holding the toddler who wouldn’t be put down

but also wouldn’t go in the buggy

but also wanted to walk but only in the opposite direction

and ‘oh look!

a stick/discarded lolly/dog poo/pebble/cigarette butt/the sky!’

Nobody saw you holding the sick bucket in the night

or on the way back from school

nobody saw you holding a jacket,

a rucksack, a book bag, a sunhat,

a scooter, the baby, a half-eaten apple

and an art project made out of three cereal boxes taped together

and covered in glitter glue,

holding soft little hands at bed time,

holding angry little bodies still kicking and shouting,

holding it together,

holding on,

holding a hungry little head

to a boob as hard as concrete

in those early days

of chaos.

Nobody saw you winding the bobbin up

and winding it back again

and pointing to the ceiling

and pointing to the floor

and pointing to the window

and pointing to the door.

Nobody saw you when it was raining again

and the kids were sick

and you didn’t leave the house for three days.

Nobody saw that.

Nobody saw how many times you watched ‘The Gruffalo,’

on the third day,

how many times you read about what happened to igglepiggle’s blanket

or the one about the inappropriate pets

sent by the zoo.

Nobody saw you in the car

when you dropped the baby off for the first time

when you promised yourself you wouldn’t

but you cried all the way home

all the same.

Nobody saw when you were empty

but you gave something

but you made something

but you thought of a game

but you said sorry to a little face

for being cross, for snapping again.

I haven’t seen you for a while

we haven’t chatted for too long

but I when I see those lovely pictures of your kids

you post sometimes

I feel like I am seeing you,

the mum behind the kids

behind the babies

and the bumps

and the toddlers smiling into the camera

I see the wipes and the nappies and the games and the songs

I see the snot and the poo and the tantrums and the kisses

I see you putting little arms

into little cardigans

and brushing tiny teeth.

(whilst being kicked in the face)

Nobody sees all of the things that you do

all of the ways that you manage

and with questions like,

‘So when are you going back to work?’

You can end up feeling like one of the hardest jobs

you have or will ever have done

is simply reduced to dossing around at home.

Nobody sees you sometimes

but you are building something

that will never be torn down

a love that cannot be removed

and sometimes it is boring

and sometimes it is the worst

and sometimes you have never been happier

Nobody saw how much you gave

every day

every night

every 5am

every 5pm

every moment.

Have I ever told you

that I think

you are such a wonderful Mum?

Let’s get pissed together soon ok?

~Anonymous

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Coping Tools, Handouts, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Imagery for Creating your Calm Place

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Allow yourself to be in a comfortable position, either lying down or sitting up. Remember that if you feel afraid for any reason at any time, just open your eyes and ground yourself in today. You are safe and you are in control today.

Taking a couple of long, deep breaths all the way down into your diaphragm, pause, and exhale any tension you feel.

Closing your eyes, find yourself in a calming place outdoors. Perhaps it’s a place you have been to before where you have only positive memories, or perhaps it’s not a place you’ve only seen before except in your imagination. You see a place in nature that is beautifully safe. In this calm place, only you are allowed. In this calm place, no one can come without your invitation. In this calm place, you are always at peace. And in this place, at the time of day of your choosing, at the season and the temperature that you like on your skin, allow your senses to become more and more alive.

Noticing the color of the sky at your favorite time of day, look around at the surroundings and allow yourself to see. Each time you come to your calm place, you may develop it and allow it to become more and more beautiful. Allow yourself to see what is here today. Notice the color of the trees or flowers or grass, or perhaps sand or water. Let the colors and textures come alive for you in this peaceful, calming place.

Listening to the sounds of safety, perhaps you hear birds or water splashing or the sound of wind in the trees or the grass…Breathing in peace, breathing out fear.

As you breathe in, you can even smell the smells of safety: perhaps salty sea air, or the sweet smell of a garden. Breathe in the smells of your calm place.

Basking in the safety and the peace, allow yourself to walk around, to be in this place, to notice more and more, to create more and more in this place. Perhaps building a shelter of some kind, a cottage, a cave, a tent, a tree house. And if it’s already there, you may add to it, planting flowers or painting it with color…Creating anything that you would like, creating special places for specific kinds of feelings that need to be healed, places to wash away fear and pain, such as a waterfall or a pool of healing water.

And now, breathing in the safety and the peaceful calm feelings, breathe out fear. Simply be in this calming place as you breathe and release fear. Stay in this place as long as you would like. And when you are ready, simply count yourself out by counting from one to five. When you reach the number five, your eyes will open. And you will be awake and alert, and feeling calm and at peace. One… two…three… four… five.

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Coping Tools, Healing through Art, PPD

One of my Favorite Poems of All Time

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This is one of my favorite poems of all time, because it reminds us that feelings come and go. They might barge in unwanted sometimes, but they never stay forever. If we sit with them, they can be our best teachers. Sometimes they are here to clear the way for something new. So trust in that as you go through your day. And feel free to share this poem with other parents you know, who might need a word of encouragement as they process all the feelings and changes in this crazy season of life. 

The Guest House 

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

by Rumi

translation by Coleman Banks

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Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Breathing through Pain, or What Yoga taught me about Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

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Long ago, a wise friend once told me, when I asked her why she practiced yoga so faithfully, “yoga has taught me to breathe through the pain.” And while she meant the pain of holding poses that sometimes defy gravity or common sense, she also meant the pain and frustrations of life.

That coin of wisdom rattled around in the back of my brain for a few years, never falling into the right slot evidently, until EV was about 18 months old. I decided as a new year’s resolution to try yoga as a way to feel at home in my body again. I committed to go one night a week and/or use my lunch break on my two work days to attend class. (Naturally, I didn’t want to get too sweaty and then go back to work. No Vinyassa flow classes for me, thank you very much! So Yin yoga or Iyengar yoga it was going to have to be.)

Having never tried Yin yoga before, I consulted my friend who is a yoga instructor up in the Bay Area. She informed me that she hates it because it’s too slow…so I had a feeling it was exactly what I needed. When you have a high-energy child who talks and walks early, doesn’t sleep much, and wants to do everything “by my own,” a space where I could focus on melting into a pose, breathing slowly, and the challenge was in being still and quiet sounded like heaven to me. It was. I cried. I needed that…like a mother. And as I laid there in Shavassana, or corpse pose, at the end, arms and legs splayed out, letting my spirit float away on my breath, leaving all worry and responsibility behind for a few moments, I felt intense gratitude for that time and space, but also, for the power of the breath.

I only make it to yoga class about once a week, but when I do, it stays with me, sustaining me as a person and as a mom, until next time.

Here are some of the key takeaways from yoga that have helped me on my journey through postpartum depression and anxiety:
  1. Whatever it is, if it hurts, breathe through it.

    I don’t always realize I’m holding my breath when I’m hurting–whether it’s the emotional pain of a loss that feels unbearable to me in that moment, the physical pain of getting kicked in the knee while carrying my tantruming toddler to safety, or one of those intense feelings of anxiety when all the fears and unknowns of life knock the wind out of me. When I remember to keep breathing, slow and steady, I can create calm in my mind and body. It’s biofeedback. When you breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating, you slow your heart rate as well, and then your body doesn’t physically feel anxious anymore. So go ahead. Take some big deep breaths, lion breaths, or sighs like you practiced for during labor. You’ve got this.

  2. Along those lines, breathe first and act second.

    If someone is unkind to you and you can’t function, let alone figure out how to respond, give yourself time to breathe first. We live in such an immediate response type of culture, but it’s ok to give yourself time before you react. Actually, when you stop, breath, and think first, you’ll probably like your response a little better. If you could use some help in this department (couldn’t we all!) download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice breathing and mindfulness meditation.

  3. If your mind is not in a good place, count your breath!

    Count to four as you breathe in, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold the emptiness for four. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is what military snipers and emergency medical personnel trying to keep a trauma victim alive are trained to do. Counting your breath is not too simple to be effective. It’s for badasses. And you as a parent, doing a thousand things a day that no one notices, are actually keeping another human being alive. You are a badass. So breathe…in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. (Practice it now.)

  4. Do something for you, at least once per day.

    You might not get to do something that takes a whole hour, like yoga, but do something that brings you joy. Even if it’s for 5 minutes, it will start to add up and create a positive shift in your mood. Take a shower. Read a book for pleasure. Drink a cup of tea. Plant something. Go for a walk. Dance it out. Savor a piece of dark chocolate. Have sex. Trade massages with your partner. Build something with Legos that your five-year-old self would be proud of. Send a friend an encouraging message. Or hold a yoga pose and breathe. 😉 If you’re in Reno, come join me for yoga at the Studio!

 

Want more? Read about more of my go-to coping tools here. 🙂

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Coping Tools, Healing through Art, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Comics FTW

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I don’t 100% know why art rattles something out of its slumber in my chest, but when I recently found out about this series of comics by illustrator Molly McIntyre @brooklyn_rabbit , my heart awoke and did a happy dance! Molly’s comics meet you right where you ought to be, at the intersection of truth and humor, like this fantastic motherhood comic on www.everydayfeminism.com below. (How I wish I had known some of these things from the start!)

To top it off, Molly and my shero, social worker Karen Kleiman of @postpartumstress , teamed up for a raw, heartwarming, and humorous series of comics that they’re calling their #speakthesecret project. These comics are exactly what we need. Motherhood is messy and beautiful and hard. So let’s say what’s truly on our minds. Or draw it. Whatever works for you.

Creating art out of the feelings of loss and confusion is the most life-affirming thing we can do. It was the part of my healing process that I recommend to everyone. Even if you don’t think of yourself as artistic, there’s a creative bone in your body, somewhere, looking for an outlet. It’s especially important because when we’re honest about how we’re feeling, it frees up another person to be honest about how she’s feeling, and then we realize we’re no longer alone. And we can get some of the much-needed help that we deserve.

 

What have you created recently to express yourself?

 

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Coping Tools, Handouts, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

The FLOW Exercise

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While doing a walking meditation, focusing on the beauty of nature around me–the golden hills dotted with majestic live oak trees and unexpected splashes of color from wildflowers popping out of the brush–it dawned on me that the avoidance I sometimes feel towards my feelings is a truly ineffective defense mechanism! Has anyone else noticed how if you try to ignore or avoid them, they’ll patiently follow you, tapping you on the shoulder until you acknowledge them? Or, if you do successfully stuff them down for the time being, they like to interrupt you later when it’s really, really inconvenient.

What if, instead of avoiding for fear of the pain they might cause, I could choose to be curious and open to the full range of human experience? What if, instead of running from them or trying to ignore them unsuccessfully, I could free myself from them by choosing where I focus my attention? What if I could feel them, call them by name, and let them float in front of me without fixating on them? I believe I am more than a sum of my thoughts and feelings–they do not define me, but they will if I give them more attention than they deserve. On that note, I came up with the acronym FLOW, to help me remember my intentions…

FLOW

Feel it

Label it (without judging)

Open the

Window to let it go

 

This visual was so freeing to me! I don’t have to be afraid of painful feelings. I can wonder where that thought came from and if I want to keep it. I can watch it flow on by. Or, if I’m in a more cantankerous mood, I can be righteously indignant like a lawyer and cross-examine my thoughts that are not helpful or kind to me. At least that’s a more entertaining way to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on myself. 😉

Have you found that when you allow yourself to feel what you momentarily feel without judging it as good or bad that it dissipates more quickly or at least has less power over you? Is that something you would like to practice?

 

 

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Books, Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

The Support Group Curriculum is Live on Amazon!

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The Afterglow: A Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder Support Group Curriculum  is live on Amazon…and I feel like I’ve given birth, i.e. elated and like I’ve been run over by a truck!

It’s been a long journey to get all the way here. Last June at the Postpartum Support International Conference, I looked around the bookstore and realized I didn’t see a support group curriculum. Hmmm, that seems odd. I know there are people out there facilitating support groups…What are they using?  A few conversations with social workers running groups confirmed they didn’t have an evidence-based tool. And others that I talked to had the desire and were highly qualified to lead support groups, but didn’t have the confidence to do so because they didn’t know where to start.

That’s when I got the bug to write this. Oftentimes in life, when you look around and think, someone should do this! The answer is: YOU do it. I read, researched, interviewed others, and drew from my own experience. What I realized along the way is that parenthood requires a complete reinvention of the self and the whole gamut of coping skills: holistic, Cognitive Behavioral, mindfulness, meditation, art, music, finding your parenting tribe, and yes, sometimes medication. And as I facilitated this group with many mamas (and a few papas), we thought about and discussed what that process of reinvention looks like while also trying to figure out how the heck to parent. At the same time. Did  I mention…it’s a lot.

Why the Afterglow, you might be wondering? As I went through Postpartum Depression and Anxiety myself, the image kept coming to mind of the light that lingers after the sun sets, radiant yet casting shadows. Expectations weigh heavy on new parents, especially the expectation to be the “perfect parent” and to happy all the time. Society seems to expect a mother to bask in the afterglow of having given birth, but for some, it is traumatic; and while it is an accomplishment beyond words’ ability to express, it can also leave some parents feeling like a shadow of their former selves. The afterglow is not enough. What is required is  reinvention of ourselves as parents… and a continual choice to turn towards the light. No small feat! But the afterglow is hopeful, too, for though the sun sets each night, leaving us in the dark, it also promises to rise each day. So this group is about sitting in the shadows together, taking the small but necessary bits of time to grieve their dark presence. Only by properly grieving losses can we create space to learn new tools so that we can appreciate, harness, and bask in the light again.

My hope in publishing this resource is to place it in the hands of people who will use it to help as many mothers with a PMAD as possible. Together, we can lighten their burden, give them hope, help them realize they are not alone, and guide them as part of a comprehensive treatment team towards 100% recovery— not merely surviving, but thriving together with their partners and their little ones.

 

“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world.

It is the glorious life force.

It’s huge and scary—

it’s an act of infinite optimism.”

-Gilda Radner

 

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