Sometimes, when you’re struggling with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, the smallest thing happens and then out of nowhere…yowza! You’re out-of-control angry, seeing red, and trying not to punch something. Where does that come from? “I was never an angry person before!” you’re thinking. “I don’t recognize myself, and I don’t like it.” Or worse, the people around you might be pointing that out for you…
Fight-or-flight mode, my friends. In this heightened state of arousal, your prehistoric self would have been able to fight off a bear or run from a saber-toothed tiger. (Or is it the other way around?) The point is, you can only take so much stimulation from fear-producing stimuli (aka all the anxiety you’re experiencing as a new parent with a tiny, helpless, wailing infant) before you panic and run, or fight back. You can’t really run away in this case, so you fight. Picking a fight gives all that cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline an outlet. Like a pressure release valve, you might feel better temporarily afterwards. You might even feel empowered. When you feel helpless, especially, about your circumstances, anger makes you feel strong and powerful again. It can be a seductively intoxicating feeling.
Ask yourself, what’s underneath my anger right now? Anger, like physical pain in your hand sends the signal to stop touching the hot pan on the stove, sends a signal that something is emotionally wrong and needs your attention. Am I feeling helpless to change my circumstances? Am I feeling hopeless about accomplishing what I set out to do today? Did I feel disrespected by my friend’s thoughtless comment, grief over losing my pre-baby freedom, or just plain worn out? Sometimes, anger arises seemingly out of nowhere to remind you about YOU! If you have done 20 things for the baby and your family, but you haven’t eaten yet and it’s afternoon, no wonder you’re angry! (Or hangry, in my case.) Or maybe you haven’t had an hour to yourself all week and you’re starting to feel resentful, exhausted, or depressed. That’s not where you want to stay, but it’s normal.
Realizing where the anger is coming from is the first step to releasing it. Addressing what’s underneath it is the second step. Accepting, and acting on, the importance of self-care to fill your well is the third.
With every new mom I meet, even if it’s only for two minutes in an elevator ride (true story!) I encourage her to ask herself every day: What is one thing can I do for my self-care today? Here is a mindfulness exercise you can do anytime, anywhere, starting today.
The FLOW Exercise
Feel it
Label it (without judging)
Open the Window to let it go
Optional: Be curious, wonder where that thought came from and if you want to keep it, or be righteously indignant like a prosecuting attorney and cross-examine your thoughts that are not helpful or kind to you.
Envision your feelings of anxiety or anger, for example, not as something that is is inside of you but something that is passing in front of you. Like a cloud passing by, you see it, take a curious stance towards it, but it does not own you and you do not own it. You feel it, label what the feeling is (“anger”), and then you envision yourself opening the window to let it float away. Feelings come and go. The more intense they are, the more energy they consume, making them less sustainable. Our goal is to let them be what they are, which is fleeting, instead of closing in on them and holding onto them too tightly, and let them FLOW on by.
Dr. Cassandra Vieten, in her article on Mindful parenting, writes “Mindful [parenthood], simply put, is being present in your body, and connected with your baby even when the going gets rough. It’s being aware of your experience from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.”
It’s funny, anger can’t really stand the scrutiny of curiosity and compassion. Anger dissipates when we give ourselves grace to feel what we feel and address it, to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others from a place of health and gratitude.
Yesterday, nothing went as planned. I breathed using the Fours breathing exercise. I listened to the Stop, Breath & Think meditation below. I worked out to get endorphins. But honestly, I was still disappointed. Ironically, I saw this card in a bookstore shortly thereafter and realized, though nothing went as planned, I didn’t get angry this time. I called the feeling what it was (disappointment) and let it FLOW by instead of giving it undue attention and allowing it to escalate into anger. I’m counting that as progress. Today, I felt like I didn’t have the time or space to do those things that work so well when I do them before I got angry. So, every day is different. Progress is not always linear in the forward direction, but I’ll celebrate small victories and continue to cultivate peace proactively.
My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Relax, Ground & Clear. Will you join me? #sbt