This morning, I was chatting with some other mamas about the things nobody tells you before you have a baby. Oh, how they are numerous as the grains of sand on the shore and the stars in the sky! If you’ve already had a baby, you are most likely laughing (and crying a little bit on the inside) right now because you know what I mean.
While everyone who walks by you is aware of the physical gestation of the baby happening inside of you via the size of your growing baby bump, no one seems to talk about the psychological gestation of the mother and father that is equally important. While everyone says, “Congratulations!” to the new parents, no one tells you that you will need to develop a sense of competence as a parent, allow yourself to release the myth of maternal or paternal instinct that tells you you will just automatically know what to do, and come to celebrate being a “good enough parent” instead of putting an impossible amount of pressure on yourself to be the “perfect parent.”
Not to mention, very few people will tell you the whole truth about labor, how to soothe your baby, how much breastfeeding hurts and hormonally mimics menopause, how your partner can and will change, and let’s not forget the sleepless nights (unless you talk to my husband, and then he will probably overshare in an adorable, yet scary, way. He’s silly in love with our daughter, but he’s great if you want to be talked out of having children, too.)
Let’s talk about identity. Who you are before the baby arrives gets systematically broken down by pretty much everything the baby does, unintentionally, of course. Were you a perfectionist, always on time, always in control, impeccably dressed in a power suit type of person? Hello, spit up and poop blowouts right as you’re trying to leave the house. Were you laid-back and chill, non-confrontational, go with the flow type of person? Hello, sleep schedules and flights of rage if anyone dares get in the way of nap-time because that means the baby won’t sleep tonight, don’t you know that, terrible telemarketer who called and made the dog bark at the ringing telephone?! Were you an overachiever, stay late at work, identity grounded in being the hardworking, successful type? Welcome to you’re lucky if you get one thing done on your to-do list today because the baby was having a growth spurt and only wanted to breastfeed, cry, or sleep on you, every hour for three days straight.
These are not worst-case-scenarios that your precious angel of a baby won’t deign to do like those other inferior babies. These are regular occurrences for all parents. No matter what your perfect baby does, he will get in the way of your plans at some point. Babies, I think, are designed to do that. They are our greatest teachers about ourselves–which idiosyncrasies and personality quirks need sanding down and smoothing out–and about human nature. They teach us that we are all helpless and in need of love and connection with other human beings. They teach us selflessness when we wake up in the middle of the night to feed them for the third time even though we have mastitis and feel like we have nothing left to give. They teach us to love more that we ever thought was humanly possible. So while your baby is growing inside you or your partner, give yourself grace to keep things simple, do one thing to take care of yourself each day, and to decide, here and now, that your relationship with your baby and your partner is going to reveal an emerging, new self, that could never have existed without them, and that that is worth it. All of it.
“The moment a child is born, the mother [and father are] also born. [They] never existed before. The woman [or man] existed, but the mother [or father], never. A mother [and father are] something absolutely new.” —Rajneesh
Speaking of things nobody wants to tell new parents about life post-baby, thankfully, that’s what the internet is for. Search for a facebook dads group or moms group in your area so you can ask questions in the middle of the night while breastfeeding, plan outings, and get some support when you’re feeling stuck at home, too. The best questions I ever saw posted were, “What do you wish you had known before labor?” and “What do you wish you had known before your baby was born?” This is the perfect way to get practical advice, and then some you never thought to ask about but others will! Because someone else asked these questions in my facebook moms group, I planned to bring a portable fan for labor, my own labor gown and robe, plenty of chapstick, a 36 hour playlist of music, calming aromatherapy, and flameless candles to make the delivery room a peaceful place. That fan was a godsend and I used every last minute of that playlist to pass those 36 hours. Thank goodness for crowdsourced information.
While you’re at it, those groups are like parenting Yelp on steroids for scoping out nannies to share and music classes to take your baby to so you can get out and meet other moms, as well. Whenever you have the opportunity to ask parents who are a little further down the road on their journey what advice they would share with new parents, it can lead to a really deep and meaningful conversation that can help you feel like you’re not in this alone. I remember the best advice I received from several of the hospice patients I worked with as they reflected back on their lives is that parenting is the best thing, and the hardest thing you ‘ll ever do. They were right!
The bottom line is there are so many resources available to help you through this time, but sometimes new parents are simply too exhausted to look for them.Read a few parenting books to help you feel empowered and competent, but don’t overdo it with books because your baby will invariably be different than what you expected in some way, shape or form. I like the What to Expect the First Year because it breaks down what to do month by month, making it more manageable to digest. Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book is a good reference volume and The Happy Sleeper I recommend to, well, everyone.
What you can do that is simple but really adds up is one thing per day for your self-care. Start to develop your practice of calming and rejuvenating techniques. Don’t underestimate simple things like exercising for endorphins, breathing exercises, listening to an uplifting podcast or a Stop, Breath and Think guided meditation. Because we are social creatures and having a new baby can be very isolating, start now by surrounding yourself with positive friends who do not bring you down or drain you in any way.
And get comfortable with the idea of asking for help. You won’t like it, but you need to.
Ask friends and family to come over after the baby is born to hold her for a couple hours so you can sleep. Ask a good friend to set up a mealtrain website so people will bring you food (or send take out!) People want to help, but they often don’t know how to help and they need direction. When friends offer to come visit, tell them they are welcome between 2-3:30pm, for example, and stick to your timeframe so you’re not more exhausted after they leave. (I was terrible at that and always regretted it.) If your friendships fluctuate, if you’re not able to be as involved as you once were, mourn that loss. Open yourself up to possibility that the changes in your energy level, relationships, and health status are temporary. You grew a human being and now this very easily overstimulated tiny human needs you for survival. It won’t stay this way forever. Someday soon, she will crawl, walk, talk, and become extremely independent, informing you emphatically that she can do things on her “own,” and you will miss the tiny baby phase, at least a little bit. But until the day when you are able to take a 10 minute, non-crying shower while she plays contentedly in her room, I’m sorry, good luck, you can do this, and congratulations!