I had the privilege of learning about the San Diego Breastfeeding Center the other night with lactation consultants, Robin and postpartum doula/nutritionist, Valorie. Lactation consultants are some of my favorite people on the planet! They support parents in such a personal way! Definitely reach out to a lactation consultant in your area if you’re wondering if breastfeeding could go more smoothly for you.
As a mom, I experienced my own struggles with breastfeeding, including a little known condition called DMER the second time around. As a therapist, I hear about breastfeeding woes from so many clients, and I have a huge heart for this subject. It’s not easy when you think about all the coordination it requires from both baby and mama. There is so much longing around wanting to breastfeed when we can’t for any reason, feeling guilty when we can but it’s too painful or is affecting our mental health, and pressure from society on every level. Not to mention it’s one of the most sensitive areas on the body! But how much concern is “normal,” and how much is too much? When is it considered Anxiety?
I think of Anxiety as a well-intentioned part of our brains. When it tries to warn us about danger, prevent bad things from happening, and even keep us alive, I feel immense gratitude for the function it serves. Some evolutionary biologists might even say Anxiety is why we’re still here! During pregnancy and the postpartum period, now your brain has two people to keep alive, one of whom is tiny and fragile and cries to communicate, sending shockwaves of cortisol through you.
One mom I started working with recently expressed so poignantly:
“I had no idea when I was pregnant and daydreaming about bringing home my baby, that even in the safety of her nursery, I would be in fight or flight mode all the time.”
That’s the difference between being a concerned mama bear, and Anxiety running your life. Our nervous systems aren’t designed to live in fight or flight mode all the time. We will burn out and slide into a depressed, hypo-aroused state. That’s why having a somatic trained therapist in your circle of support can help you learn to release physically, make peace with intrusive thoughts, and even come to see Anxiety as an ally that just needs to be reined in. (A bit like an untrained puppy!)
So today, as you go through your day, start to notice your anxious feelings on a scale of 1-10, or you can think of visually, like a battery percentage on our phones. Where am I at right now? What do I need? The goal is to start to notice it, especially when it’s 5/10 or below, and do small acts of kindness for ourselves–those micro-doses of self-care you’ll hear me talk about every chance I get!– to release it little by little before it gets out of control. When we’re above a 5/10, it can get a little trickier to down-regulate.
How do we down-regulate? Remember, your breath is always with you and those looooooong exhales help your body come down from fight or flight mode. Butterfly tapping, like we do in EMDR therapy, is another great option.
Speaking words of truth to yourself out loud activates a different part of your brain, as well. “I’m doing the best I can.” “I will get through this with support.” “There are resources I can tap into when I don’t know what to do.” “I’m not alone.” “In this moment, my baby and I are safe.” “It won’t always feel this way.” Phew, I feel calmer after reading those, how about you? Feel free to pick a mantra, or make up your own!
Think of it like mothering yourself and taking care of your needs, too. Do I need a snack? A breather for 5 minutes? To reach out to a friend? Notice when you mother yourself, when you share even 1% of all the love you have for your baby with yourself, you are process of learning to be the best mother you can be for your baby and yourself.
Thank you, Erica Djosa @happyasamother for this thorough infographic for those of us visual learners! Definitely follow her and check out her other work. I admire the light she shines on the invisible load of motherhood and the vulnerability it takes to ask for help.