Helping Parents Survive and Thrive, Postpartum and Beyond
Y’all! I’m so excited! Mystic Journey Bookstore will be hosting my book launch party on Saturday!! The paperbacks are in my hand and are all ready for the big day! We’ll start at 6, mingle for a bit and then do a little reading around 6:30pm. Hope to see you there!
I Gave Birth to My Heart: Poetry Reading & Book Signing
Saturday, May 13th from 6-7:30pm
at Mystic Journey Bookstore | 1624 Abbot Kinney Blvd
I’m having a surreal moment! The kindle AND paperback editions of my book are officially on Amazon and available for pre-order just in time for Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month in May! Hooray!
I Gave Birth to My Heart: A Collection of Poems about Motherhood, Reimagined
It’s incredible to see so many hours of writing, editing, and formatting take shape into the real, live thing! (I declare, it was more work to format the darn thing on their clunky site for kindle than to write it, but it was all worth it.) I added it to the Kindle lending program so more people can access it for free. We’re planning to do a book launch party on May 7th or 13th, location TBD. Stay tuned!
Something I wish were not true about life, or at least about me: when I am hurting, no amount of coffee, Zoloft, wine, endorphins or dark chocolate will do it; the only thing that truly helps is creating art out of the pain. At least I’ll have something beautiful to show for what I’ve gone through, right?
That’s why, after grad school I moved as fast as I could to San Francisco, that city by the sea that will always have my heart, to find other humans who have already realized that about themselves and fully embrace it. In San Francisco, practically every person is a walking work of art. Do you have hair? Dye it. Do you have skin? Paint it. Do you have something you want to express about the world–then build, sculpt, photograph, compose, dance, sing, write, or be a friend like it’s a work of art, because human relationships truly are the greatest collaborative form of art.
Since we left SF and had EV, my heart’s art quota has definitely not been met, and quite frankly, depleted. A dear friend asked me while I was pregnant what I had written recently because he knows that’s a core part of who I am, and I told him, “I’m growing a human! I don’t have the bandwidth for creativity right now.” I couldn’t believe I said that out loud, but it was true. Never before had I felt that way in my life. It turns out, I was about to embark on a lifelong journey full of a lot of “never befores”…that we are still in the middle of figuring out!
All that to say, I haven’t been blogging recently because I found myself at another low point and I didn’t have anything to say that I could say in prose. When that happens, only poetry will suffice. Usually, I don’t share my poetry with anyone (except my mom, once in a while), but this whole process of experiencing a Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder and walking alongside other women (and men) who have also gone through it has cracked the door open for me. Everyone is ridiculously isolated because no one is talking about what’s going on, and that’s not ok.
I’d like to change that.
I’ve always been amazed by how a sliver of vulnerability from one person can begin to open up another person. If one person is brave enough to share, and nothing bad happens, maybe someone else will be freed from fear and feel able to share, too. And maybe if we can share what’s going truly going on with us, then we’ll be able to find the support and the healing we need.
So this time, I’m doing something I’ve never done before and I’m publishing my poetry with the hope that some of the imagery will resonate with some people to help them understand what many, many parents go through, or to help at least one person feel like she is not alone and that she will make it through. (Thank God for Amazon self-publishing! It’s my new favorite thing!) Here’s where I need your help…
For the title of this book of poetry, I’m debating between the titles of two of the poems, “I Gave Birth to My Heart” or “Motherhood, Reimagined.” What’s your vote? 🙂
This morning, I was chatting with some other mamas about the things nobody tells you before you have a baby. Oh, how they are numerous as the grains of sand on the shore and the stars in the sky! If you’ve already had a baby, you are most likely laughing (and crying a little bit on the inside) right now because you know what I mean.
While everyone who walks by you is aware of the physical gestation of the baby happening inside of you via the size of your growing baby bump, no one seems to talk about the psychological gestation of the mother and father that is equally important. While everyone says, “Congratulations!” to the new parents, no one tells you that you will need to develop a sense of competence as a parent, allow yourself to release the myth of maternal or paternal instinct that tells you you will just automatically know what to do, and come to celebrate being a “good enough parent” instead of putting an impossible amount of pressure on yourself to be the “perfect parent.”
Not to mention, very few people will tell you the whole truth about labor, how to soothe your baby, how much breastfeeding hurts and hormonally mimics menopause, how your partner can and will change, and let’s not forget the sleepless nights (unless you talk to my husband, and then he will probably overshare in an adorable, yet scary, way. He’s silly in love with our daughter, but he’s great if you want to be talked out of having children, too.)
Let’s talk about identity. Who you are before the baby arrives gets systematically broken down by pretty much everything the baby does, unintentionally, of course. Were you a perfectionist, always on time, always in control, impeccably dressed in a power suit type of person? Hello, spit up and poop blowouts right as you’re trying to leave the house. Were you laid-back and chill, non-confrontational, go with the flow type of person? Hello, sleep schedules and flights of rage if anyone dares get in the way of nap-time because that means the baby won’t sleep tonight, don’t you know that, terrible telemarketer who called and made the dog bark at the ringing telephone?! Were you an overachiever, stay late at work, identity grounded in being the hardworking, successful type? Welcome to you’re lucky if you get one thing done on your to-do list today because the baby was having a growth spurt and only wanted to breastfeed, cry, or sleep on you, every hour for three days straight.
These are not worst-case-scenarios that your precious angel of a baby won’t deign to do like those other inferior babies. These are regular occurrences for all parents. No matter what your perfect baby does, he will get in the way of your plans at some point. Babies, I think, are designed to do that. They are our greatest teachers about ourselves–which idiosyncrasies and personality quirks need sanding down and smoothing out–and about human nature. They teach us that we are all helpless and in need of love and connection with other human beings. They teach us selflessness when we wake up in the middle of the night to feed them for the third time even though we have mastitis and feel like we have nothing left to give. They teach us to love more that we ever thought was humanly possible. So while your baby is growing inside you or your partner, give yourself grace to keep things simple, do one thing to take care of yourself each day, and to decide, here and now, that your relationship with your baby and your partner is going to reveal an emerging, new self, that could never have existed without them, and that that is worth it. All of it.
“The moment a child is born, the mother [and father are] also born. [They] never existed before. The woman [or man] existed, but the mother [or father], never. A mother [and father are] something absolutely new.” —Rajneesh
Speaking of things nobody wants to tell new parents about life post-baby, thankfully, that’s what the internet is for. Search for a facebook dads group or moms group in your area so you can ask questions in the middle of the night while breastfeeding, plan outings, and get some support when you’re feeling stuck at home, too. The best questions I ever saw posted were, “What do you wish you had known before labor?” and “What do you wish you had known before your baby was born?” This is the perfect way to get practical advice, and then some you never thought to ask about but others will! Because someone else asked these questions in my facebook moms group, I planned to bring a portable fan for labor, my own labor gown and robe, plenty of chapstick, a 36 hour playlist of music, calming aromatherapy, and flameless candles to make the delivery room a peaceful place. That fan was a godsend and I used every last minute of that playlist to pass those 36 hours. Thank goodness for crowdsourced information.
While you’re at it, those groups are like parenting Yelp on steroids for scoping out nannies to share and music classes to take your baby to so you can get out and meet other moms, as well. Whenever you have the opportunity to ask parents who are a little further down the road on their journey what advice they would share with new parents, it can lead to a really deep and meaningful conversation that can help you feel like you’re not in this alone. I remember the best advice I received from several of the hospice patients I worked with as they reflected back on their lives is that parenting is the best thing, and the hardest thing you ‘ll ever do. They were right!
The bottom line is there are so many resources available to help you through this time, but sometimes new parents are simply too exhausted to look for them.Read a few parenting books to help you feel empowered and competent, but don’t overdo it with books because your baby will invariably be different than what you expected in some way, shape or form. I like the What to Expect the First Year because it breaks down what to do month by month, making it more manageable to digest. Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book is a good reference volume and The Happy Sleeper I recommend to, well, everyone.
What you can do that is simple but really adds up is one thing per day for your self-care. Start to develop your practice of calming and rejuvenating techniques. Don’t underestimate simple things like exercising for endorphins, breathing exercises, listening to an uplifting podcast or a Stop, Breath and Think guided meditation. Because we are social creatures and having a new baby can be very isolating, start now by surrounding yourself with positive friends who do not bring you down or drain you in any way.
And get comfortable with the idea of asking for help. You won’t like it, but you need to.
Ask friends and family to come over after the baby is born to hold her for a couple hours so you can sleep. Ask a good friend to set up a mealtrain website so people will bring you food (or send take out!) People want to help, but they often don’t know how to help and they need direction. When friends offer to come visit, tell them they are welcome between 2-3:30pm, for example, and stick to your timeframe so you’re not more exhausted after they leave. (I was terrible at that and always regretted it.) If your friendships fluctuate, if you’re not able to be as involved as you once were, mourn that loss. Open yourself up to possibility that the changes in your energy level, relationships, and health status are temporary. You grew a human being and now this very easily overstimulated tiny human needs you for survival. It won’t stay this way forever. Someday soon, she will crawl, walk, talk, and become extremely independent, informing you emphatically that she can do things on her “own,” and you will miss the tiny baby phase, at least a little bit. But until the day when you are able to take a 10 minute, non-crying shower while she plays contentedly in her room, I’m sorry, good luck, you can do this, and congratulations!
Sometimes, when you’re struggling with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, the smallest thing happens and then out of nowhere…yowza! You’re out-of-control angry, seeing red, and trying not to punch something. Where does that come from? “I was never an angry person before!” you’re thinking. “I don’t recognize myself, and I don’t like it.” Or worse, the people around you might be pointing that out for you…
Fight-or-flight mode, my friends. In this heightened state of arousal, your prehistoric self would have been able to fight off a bear or run from a saber-toothed tiger. (Or is it the other way around?) The point is, you can only take so much stimulation from fear-producing stimuli (aka all the anxiety you’re experiencing as a new parent with a tiny, helpless, wailing infant) before you panic and run, or fight back. You can’t really run away in this case, so you fight. Picking a fight gives all that cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline an outlet. Like a pressure release valve, you might feel better temporarily afterwards. You might even feel empowered. When you feel helpless, especially, about your circumstances, anger makes you feel strong and powerful again. It can be a seductively intoxicating feeling.
Ask yourself, what’s underneath my anger right now? Anger, like physical pain in your hand sends the signal to stop touching the hot pan on the stove, sends a signal that something is emotionally wrong and needs your attention. Am I feeling helpless to change my circumstances? Am I feeling hopeless about accomplishing what I set out to do today? Did I feel disrespected by my friend’s thoughtless comment, grief over losing my pre-baby freedom, or just plain worn out? Sometimes, anger arises seemingly out of nowhere to remind you about YOU! If you have done 20 things for the baby and your family, but you haven’t eaten yet and it’s afternoon, no wonder you’re angry! (Or hangry, in my case.) Or maybe you haven’t had an hour to yourself all week and you’re starting to feel resentful, exhausted, or depressed. That’s not where you want to stay, but it’s normal.
Realizing where the anger is coming from is the first step to releasing it. Addressing what’s underneath it is the second step. Accepting, and acting on, the importance of self-care to fill your well is the third.
With every new mom I meet, even if it’s only for two minutes in an elevator ride (true story!) I encourage her to ask herself every day: What is one thing can I do for my self-care today? Here is a mindfulness exercise you can do anytime, anywhere, starting today.
The FLOW Exercise
Feel it
Label it (without judging)
Open the Window to let it go
Optional: Be curious, wonder where that thought came from and if you want to keep it, or be righteously indignant like a prosecuting attorney and cross-examine your thoughts that are not helpful or kind to you.
Envision your feelings of anxiety or anger, for example, not as something that is is inside of you but something that is passing in front of you. Like a cloud passing by, you see it, take a curious stance towards it, but it does not own you and you do not own it. You feel it, label what the feeling is (“anger”), and then you envision yourself opening the window to let it float away. Feelings come and go. The more intense they are, the more energy they consume, making them less sustainable. Our goal is to let them be what they are, which is fleeting, instead of closing in on them and holding onto them too tightly, and let them FLOW on by.
Dr. Cassandra Vieten, in her article on Mindful parenting, writes “Mindful [parenthood], simply put, is being present in your body, and connected with your baby even when the going gets rough. It’s being aware of your experience from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.”
It’s funny, anger can’t really stand the scrutiny of curiosity and compassion. Anger dissipates when we give ourselves grace to feel what we feel and address it, to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others from a place of health and gratitude.
Yesterday, nothing went as planned. I breathed using the Fours breathing exercise. I listened to the Stop, Breath & Think meditation below. I worked out to get endorphins. But honestly, I was still disappointed. Ironically, I saw this card in a bookstore shortly thereafter and realized, though nothing went as planned, I didn’t get angry this time. I called the feeling what it was (disappointment) and let it FLOW by instead of giving it undue attention and allowing it to escalate into anger. I’m counting that as progress. Today, I felt like I didn’t have the time or space to do those things that work so well when I do them before I got angry. So, every day is different. Progress is not always linear in the forward direction, but I’ll celebrate small victories and continue to cultivate peace proactively.
My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Relax, Ground & Clear. Will you join me? #sbt
There really should be a Tinder app for moms who want to make new mom friends–it feels so much like dating! Scene: You see another mom in the park who looks like someone you want to spend time with. She’s pretty cute. So is her kiddo. You even have the same stroller! You both catch each other’s furtive glances. You take the plunge and ask for her number… She says YES! You suggest a time and place and then you agonize over what to do, (if I invite her over is that too forward?) what to wear, (does this shirt show too much cleavage because that can’t be helped while breastfeeding), and how to get a second date. (She said she wants to, did she mean it?)
When you’re already exhausted from juggling work/relationships/baby/life, jumping onto the emotional rollercoaster of mom dating is like adding one more thing you didn’t know you needed t
o do to your already impossible to-do list. But oh, do you need it. Who else can you commiserate with about the poop you didn’t know was on your shirt but kept smelling for three whole hours, until the sun came up and you went outside to walk the dog? Who else cares about which stroller/carseat/baby-wearing-thingamajig you should buy except another parent who has also spent too many hours to count researching these things and secretly feels superior for choosing the perfect product for her precious infant’s needs? When you want someone to laugh at the adorable thing your baby did this morning, like cooing all the vowels along with you, or cry with you about how much breastfeeding hurts like a mother, it’s going to be your mom friends, all the way.
I had my first mom date when EV was four months old. I was so nervous (and excited!) mostly because I was so lonely, and needed it so desperately. I felt the impulse to speed date and make mom friends fast, while simultaneously limited by the fact that I worked and wasn’t available everyday, or able to afford the expensive mommy & me groups, or able to string coherent sentences together because EV kept us up all night long. Everyone is dealing with limitations like that, even if they’re not the same as yours. I did take the plunge to ask for her number and invite her over to our house, and it didn’t backfire. (I got lucky. If that doesn’t happen for you, try, try again!) That’s what our babies are doing right? Everything they try is new. Be inspired by their fearlessness. It feels incredible to be instantly understood by a new mom friend. With a good mom friend, you don’t have to explain every, little thing, or justify all your choices. Mom friending is a no judgment zone, or at least, it should be. If it’s not, abort, abort, abort.
The first time that another mom asked for my number…wow! What a relief not to be the one doing all the chasing for once. The roles were reversed…woohoo! I had confirmation that despite the awkwardness, I was not the only one who desperately needed mom friends, too! And we, to this day, get together with our little ones almost weekly. I value her discernment, her insight, her frankness, and her empathy. Ultimately, this taught me to choose quality over quantity, mamas. Choose moms who lift you up and who you can learn from, but who don’t claim to have it all together.
Oh, but that tiny, insignificant dragon called Nap Schedules loves to rear it’s ferocious, little head and make life difficult. Sometimes you meet a mama with whom you have a great connection, and you have to be per
sistent and ride it out. You really like each other, but if your baby takes two naps exactly in the space between her baby’s three naps, you’re left with a half hour right after you wake up or before they go to bed to get together; it ain’t gonna happen. So there are some losses along the way, too, but I still maintain that being able to text an encouraging message or a “help!” or a “what do you think?” is way more valuable than nothing at all. In other words, in my opinion, no amount of investment in a mom friend will be wasted if it helps you feel less alone. And eventually, their naps will realign.
In a study in the Journal of Clinical Nursing by Leahy-Warren, mothers with strong social support (read: mom friends!) who also feel a sense of self-efficacy (i.e. confident in their parenting skills) were “75 percent less likely to be depressed” according to this recent article in the Scientific American. Having mom friends to bounce ideas off of, learn new tips from, borrow parenting books from, and confirm what you’re doing well as you observe your babies growing up together definitely contributes to that sense of confidence in one’s ability to parent well.
So, what worked?
ime.” Sometimes, as a mama, you’re not sure how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the whole day! Zooga Yoga has been that place for us, a place that we are both uplifted by with its cheerful orange walls and “Baila Baila” Spanish music class on Wednesday mornings. When you start to see the same people each week, it takes away some of the awkwardness of asking to get together outside of class. “Do you want to get a latte together afterwards?” doesn’t seem so silly when you’ve just finished jumping around the room to a rousing rendition of “Cabeza, hombros, piernas, pies.”This is the most important thing you will read today: stories of 100% recovery from a perinatal mood disorder are not mythical unicorns. Recovery stories are numerous and they are real. Dr. Shosh’s work and the work of these parents who not only survived, but are thriving, is incredibly inspiring to me as I sit here writing on this rainy day. I couldn’t not share it with you.
Her question that I heard on a podcast recently, “Do you want to get back to your old self, or do you want to be a better version of yourself?” is everything. Yes, we need to validate our feelings and learn to take a curious observer stance with them, not judging them as they pass by our consciousness like clouds on the wind in a sky stormy one minute, blue the next; but sometimes, the best thing you can do is to replace the seemingly incessant worry, fear, negativity, sadness with stories that give you hope and teach you HOW to heal.
I want to be a better version of myself, not just for me, but for EV. I want a story that teaches her how to handle her feelings, how to continue to evolve and add to her coping skill set as life throws new challenges at her. I want to look up with expectancy on a dark day, envisioning the feeling of the sun on my face until that manifests into my reality.
It’s been a little while. I’ll admit, I lost some time and momentum since the results of the election knocked the wind out of me. Many Americans,myself included, and others who are worried around the world, have needed some time to grieve, to regroup, and to figure out how to most effectively use their freedoms to combat what they perceive as attacks on their freedoms and the freedoms of others. I think part of the answer to that is to keep living the best life we can. So during this brief reprieve while EV is napping, I am answering the essential question, “What is one thing I can do to nourish myself today?” by taking some time to breathe, meditate, and write today. And while I do, I want you to know that I’m praying for you, for all parents out there, whether you live in the U.S., or Syria, wherever you are…
My Prayer for a Weary Parent
May you wake refreshed from dreamless sleep.
May your first cup of caffeine be effective.
May your aching hips find equilibrium even as they carry your children.
May you let go of needless worry with each breath as you seek solutions.
May your priorities be your emotional health and that of the little people you have been given.
May you feel unconditionally loved as you show unconditional love.
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My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Gratitude. Will you join me? #sbt
Sleep Survival Guide
Difficultly falling asleep when you desperately need it but there are too many worries rolling around your mind is the absolute worst. How many times have I craved sleep more than anything but simultaneously felt too amped up by all the things on my to-do list to fall asleep? Too many to count. And that, in and of itself, is crazy-making. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture. Ask any parent and they’ll practically give an oral dissertation on it. Some of these survival tips below seemed so common sense, I didn’t think they mattered, but it turns out, they add up. Turns out, I was just too tired to have common sense! And even though your baby might not realize the difference between night and day right now, these are the difference between night and day when it comes to sleep.
If you can’t fall asleep within within 15–20 minutes, then don’t stay in the bed trying to get to sleep. Get out of bed and leave the bedroom. Tossing and turning, feeling upset that you can’t sleep won’t help you get there.
Instead, do something that makes you sleepy: read something uplifting, listen to a podcast, journal your feelings, write down your to-do list that is bothering you, eat a light snack, or take a warm bath. You will generally find that you can fall back to sleep 20 minutes or so later. Practice breathing techniques. (In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four.) Do not do anything mentally stimulating such as working on the computer, and don’t watch television. The light gives cues to your brain that it is time to wake up
If you’re one of those people who can nap when the baby naps, great. If you’re not, don’t worry about it. And tune people out when they tell you to do that without knowing better that anxiety can make it really hard to sleep. That advice can actually backfire if napping keeps you awake at night or makes you feel more depressed because you didn’t accomplish anything else all day. (Ahem, me.) Not to mention, sometimes babies only nap for 30-45 minutes, which let’s be real, is only enough time to pee, check you email, and eat lunch if you’re lucky.
Either
way, limit caffeine to when it is absolutely essential. Try to stick to one or two cups in the morning, and then switch to decaf to get the sensation of drinking coffee without the buzz. The jitters from caffeine can seriously mimic the physical symptoms of anxiety, or worse, of panic attacks, and can dehydrate you as well. Check out levitybrew.com for “an enlightened coffee alternative.” My friend Kelly developed a blend of coffee, tea, yerba mate, guarana, and chicory root that provides longer lasting energy and started her own company. (Woohoo!) I’m good until the late afternoon with one cup of levity in the morning. That stuff is amazing!
Try to get your energy from your food as fuel. Reach for small, but complete (protein-carbs-fat) snacks through the day to keep your blood sugar stable. And stay hydrated, especially while breastfeeding. Keep a water bottle handy and aim to refill it 6-8 times a day.
Sample Snacks to Sustain You:
Chia seed pudding and fruit
Hummus and veggies
Banana or apple and peanut butter
An egg on whole grain toast
A handful of almonds and raisins
Smoothies (my favorite: spinach, soy milk, frozen berries, and banana)
Hot chocolate made from soy milk and cocoa powder
Amy’s lentil vegetable soup
Your favorite nutrition bar (Kind, Luna, Clif, Lara, etc.)
Yogurt, granola and fruit
Bake whole grain/low sugar muffins or breakfast cookies on Sunday and eat them throughout the week (See: my recipe for Sweet Pea Muffins)
Bake mini, crustless quiches (i.e. eggs, veggies, and cheese) in a muffin tin on Sunday and eat them all week
1) Remember to use “I feel” statements when approaching your partner about something that hurt your feelings, i.e. “I felt _____ when you did ______. Next time, can you please do ______ instead?” Or if you’re not comfortable with that, if that feels too confrontational, then try (my favorite!) question of Brené Brown’s instead: “The story I’m telling myself is…” In other words, you might say, “The story I’m telling myself is that you did XYZ because you’re upset with me. Is that true?” This gives the other person a chance to say, “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all. Let me clarify.” It can be like a code between you two for let’s talk about this non-confrontationally.
2) Start with “I know you’re doing the best you can” before explaining what hurt your feelings. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt from the start can diffuse a tough situation instantaneously. Another way to do that is: “This time has changed most everything for us, so let’s help each other know what the other person needs. Do you want to go first, or do you want to talk about it after you’ve had time to think and write it down?” And then you take turns talking about how to help each other avoid some of those pitfalls.
3) When he’s in fix it mode and you just want to talk about how you feel, preface the conversation with “I need to vent for a little bit. Can you please listen without offering suggestions until the end?” Or try, “Something that would really help me is if when I’m talking about my day, you would ask me when I’m ready to hear your suggestions, or wait until the end.” You can add on: “I want to hear your ideas next.”
4) If he’s feeling jealous of your time with the baby, like he’s left out, or feels like his opinions/ideas are not wanted or heard: validate, validate, validate. “I’m hearing that you feel left out.” Or if it’s about an idea he wants to try: “Sure, we could try that and see how it goes.” Validating feelings takes the edge off of them. It shows you’re trying to work together.
5) Catch your partner in the act of doing a good job with the baby: “I love how you sing silly songs to her, read to her, tell her about your day while you change her diaper, are so patient when she’s crying because she’s gassy, make funny faces at her, play with her toys, etc.” Then take pictures to text your partner later when you’re apart as a love note or thank you.
6) Intimacy does not have to mean sex. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by, play with her hair while you watch TV, give him a quick peck on the neck. All of that counts towards making both of you feel loved. Oxytocin and endorphins released from touch are nature’s antidepressants!
7) Ask your partner to help you find the humor in the situation; laugh together about the giant poop blowout or the crazy bad piece of advice the neighbor gave you. Laughter will neurochemically help to calm you down and destress together.
8) When you’re having a hard time finding anything to talk about or appreciate about your partner, try reminiscing about and describing to each other the pre-baby good times: vacations you’ve taken together, really great sex you’ve had, dinner dates, when you first met. Shifting your awareness and attention to the positive reinforces your bond. Who knows, you might inspire yourselves to have really great sex tonight!
9) Don’t let things fester: if you find yourself starting to keep score, or you have a long list of grievances in your head, it’s past time to have a chat in a non-confrontational way. Whether it’s during the baby’s nap on a weekend or while your parents watch the baby for you, do it before you feel contempt, bitterness or rage. Don’t wait until it’s super late and you’re both exhausted. Start with something that is going well, transition to your prioritized grievance, and end with something that is going well.
10) Even if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner. You might surprise yourself and like it more than you thought you would. If you’re needing a little encouragement in this department, especially as new parents, listen to The Longest Shortest Time podcast episode #96 by Esther Perel or read her book, Mating in Captivity.
***
My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Forgiveness. Will you join me? #sbt