Coping Tools, Handouts, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

My Go-To Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Coping Tools

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One of the hardest things to hear as a parent who is struggling with depression or anxiety is, “Oh yeah, I had postpartum depression and it just went away.” That’s great, but tell me HOW. How did it go away? Maybe her hormones evened out, or financial stressors resolved, or the baby started sleeping through the night, but when you’re deep in in, you need some tools you can pull out of your toolbox to get you through the day. Let’s talk about some specific Cognitive Behavioral Therapy coping tools for dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, or you know, the stress of plain old life:

All of these strategies require you to stop, breathe, and think, which helps calm you out of “fight or flight,” aka panic, mode. You might already use some of these techniques! I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I need to be reminded of what I already know is true. The goal is not to stress about mastering all of them, but to pick one and commit to giving it a shot today, or this week. So here we go:

  • Generate Alternatives: How often do we immediately jump to the worst-case scenario in our minds? Instead of believing the worst-case scenario outright, you play with and question it. For example, “What’s the worst-case scenario? (Don’t stay here.) Ok, now what’s the best-case scenario? What is the most plausible scenario? What are two other possible scenarios?” You come to realize as you ask yourself about alternative scenarios that your fear-based predictions are not guaranteed to come true. Sometimes our friends do this for us, i.e. “Oh that’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it!” But when we’re more isolated as moms or dads at home with the baby, we don’t always have those sane voices as readily available and we need to learn to start doing this for ourselves. You might have found yourself, on a good day, doing this naturally!

 

  • Empowering or “Anti- Catastrophic” Thinking: Deflate the fear fueling those worst-case scenarios by creating a strategy. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst-case scenario? How likely is that to actually happen? If it did happen, what would I do about it? How would I handle it and get through it?” You come to a place of empowerment as you ask yourself these questions. You are capable of coming up with solutions. You are a fierce mama bear. It’s in your DNA. What’s an example of a time you have done this for a friend or another mama to help her move from a place of helpless worry to empowered action?

 

  • Talk to yourself as a friend: This is one of my favorites because it’s so simple and effective. Challenge an anxious or negative thought by pretending you are talking to a friend instead, and you’ll find you might actually come across as more objective, compassionate, and kind. If you wouldn’t talk to a friend the way you are talking to yourself, or if you wouldn’t accept that from your mother-in-law, then don’t accept it in your own mind. 

 

  • Reframe Worry as Evolutionarily Adaptive: Did you know that anxiety is actually your brain being hyper-vigilant about doing your best for your baby? Dr. Judith Lothian wrote in the Journal of Perinatal Education that “High levels of estrogen and progesterone and their complex interaction with each other and with less well known hormones contribute to the pregnant woman’s increased sensitivity and emotionality, the tendency to be fearful, and heightened concern for her own safety and that of her baby. These changes propel the pregnant woman to seek safe passage for herself and her baby, foster her attachment to her growing baby, and, ultimately, guide her through the important process of giving more and more of herself during first her pregnancy, then labor and birth, then breastfeeding and care of her baby (Buckley, in press; Mercer, 1995; Rubin, 1984).”[1] The point is that intrusive thoughts of harm coming to your baby are not pleasant or something you want to dwell on, but they are nature’s way of helping you be the protective mother hen you need to be. Think about it, we as mothers care for the most helpless, least developed mammals on the planet, and so it makes sense that a switch would be flipped in our brains to turn on those annoying and sometimes horrifying thoughts to warn us to avoid sharp objects, take a wide berth around corners and edges, watch your step on slippery surfaces, dodge the snarling dog in case it lunges at you and your baby. When we have intrusive, worrisome thoughts, instead of being terrified or ashamed of them, we reframe them as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so. Think of it like a good thing gone overboard, and tell someone who will understand in order to take away the power the thought is holding over you. Shame causes us to be secretive sometimes. I will say it again: these thoughts are not pleasant or anything we need to dwell on, but they are intended to be helpful. Brush away the worry that you are going crazy like an annoying fly buzzing about your head. Thoughts come and go. Only when we focus our attention on them do we give them an unnecessary amount of power. Then, stop ruminating. Tell your brain, “I got the memo, I will avoid the sharp corner. No need to remind me again.” Print out a sign that says STOP or REDIRECT and put it on your fridge if you need a visual reminder. Or put a coin in your pocket to remind yourself that sometimes our weaknesses are the flip side of the coin of our strengths. I’m sure many of you can relate to this!

 

  • Image Substitution: When a negative image of a worst-case scenario, or an intrusive thought of harm coming to your baby, pops into your head, you literally envision the opposite. Are you worried about waking up in the night to a screaming, colicky baby? Then you envision yourself cool, calm and collected as you breastfeed her and set her down gently her in her crib where she is now sleeping peacefully. Are you seeing her head come into contact with the corner of the coffee table? Then you envision yourself being aware of the danger and taking a wide berth around the table and placing her safely in her stroller to go outside for a walk. Those thoughts might pop into your head, but you don’t have to give them power by focusing your attention on them. Shift your attention to something you want to happen. Do you think you could try that?

 

  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Did any of you hear the phrase growing up, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” I don’t like that phrase as a counselor, but sometimes when you don’t have good to think, there’s no need to think anything at all. Ground yourself in your physicality, in your body. We are more than our thoughts; we are body, soul, and psyche. If you feel like you can’t turn off the negative or anxious thoughts in your head, or if it’s subtler than that and you just can’t shake those down, blah, moving-in-slow-motion feelings, try this exercise called progressive muscle relaxation. It’s like a guided meditation you can do for yourself, in which you simply tell each of your body parts to clench and let go, and you physically do it. The beauty of it is you can do it sitting down or standing up, whether you’re changing a diaper, washing bottles, driving, showering, or laying in bed. Let’s try it now. Close your eyes if you want to. Starting at your feet, say to yourself, either in your mind or out loud, “Feet, tense up and release. Calves, tense up and release. Thighs, tense up and release. Hips, tense up and release. Stomach, tense up and release. Chest, tense up and release. Hands, tense up and release. Arms, tense up and release. Shoulders, tense up and release. Neck, tense up and release. Jaw, tense up and release. Head, tense up and release. Eyes, close and open up.” And while you’re at it, your OB would appreciate it if you would throw in a few Kegel exercises! How do you feel now? 🙂

My Stop, Breath and Think meditation for the day: Relax, Ground & Clear. Will you join me? #sbt

[1] (Lothian, 2008)

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Coping Tools

Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me…? Or, How to Psychologically Prepare to Become a Parent

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This morning, I was chatting with some other mamas about the things nobody tells you before you have a baby. Oh, how they are numerous as the grains of sand on the shore and the stars in the sky! If you’ve already had a baby, you are most likely laughing (and crying a little bit on the inside) right now because you know what I mean.

While everyone who walks by you is aware of the physical gestation of the baby happening inside of you via the size of your growing baby bump, no one seems to talk about the psychological gestation of the mother and father that is equally important. While everyone says, “Congratulations!” to the new parents, no one tells you that you will need to develop a sense of competence as a parent, allow yourself to release the myth of maternal or paternal instinct that tells you you will just automatically know what to do, and come to celebrate being a “good enough parent” instead of putting an impossible amount of pressure on yourself to be the “perfect parent.”

Not to mention, very few people will tell you the whole truth about labor, how to soothe your baby, how much breastfeeding hurts and hormonally mimics menopause, how your partner can and will change, and let’s not forget the sleepless nights (unless you talk to my husband, and then he will probably overshare in an adorable, yet scary, way. He’s silly in love with our daughter, but he’s great if you want to be talked out of having children, too.)

Let’s talk about identity. Who you are before the baby arrives gets systematically broken down by pretty much everything the baby does, unintentionally, of course. Were you a perfectionist, always on time, always in control, impeccably dressed in a power suit type of person? Hello, spit up and poop blowouts right as you’re trying to leave the house. Were you laid-back and chill, non-confrontational, go with the flow type of person? Hello, sleep schedules and flights of rage if anyone dares get in the way of nap-time because that means the baby won’t sleep tonight, don’t you know that, terrible telemarketer who called and made the dog bark at the ringing telephone?! Were you an overachiever, stay late at work, identity grounded in being the hardworking, successful type? Welcome to you’re lucky if you get one thing done on your to-do list today because the baby was having a growth spurt and only wanted to breastfeed, cry, or sleep on you, every hour for three days straight.

These are not worst-case-scenarios that your precious angel of a baby won’t deign to do like those other inferior babies. These are regular occurrences for all parents. No matter what your perfect baby does, he will get in the way of your plans at some point. Babies, I think, are designed to do that. They are our greatest teachers about ourselves–which idiosyncrasies and personality quirks need sanding down and smoothing out–and about human nature. They teach us that we are all helpless and in need of love and connection with other human beings. They teach us selflessness when we wake up in the middle of the night to feed them for the third time even though we have mastitis and feel like we have nothing left to give. They teach us to love more that we ever thought was humanly possible. So while your baby is growing inside you or your partner, give yourself grace to keep things simple, do one thing to take care of yourself each day, and to decide, here and now, that your relationship with your baby and your partner is going to reveal an emerging, new self, that could never have existed without them, and that that is worth it. All of it.

“The moment a child is born, the mother [and father are] also born. [They] never existed before. The woman [or man] existed, but the mother [or father], never. A mother [and father are] something absolutely new.” —Rajneesh

Speaking of things nobody wants to tell new parents about life post-baby, thankfully, that’s what the internet is for. Search for a facebook dads group or moms group in your area so you can ask questions in the middle of the night while breastfeeding, plan outings, and get some support when you’re feeling stuck at home, too. The best questions I ever saw posted were, “What do you wish you had known before labor?” and “What do you wish you had known before your baby was born?” This is the perfect way to get practical advice, and then some you never thought to ask about but others will! Because someone else asked these questions in my facebook moms group, I planned to bring a portable fan for labor, my own labor gown and robe, plenty of chapstick, a 36 hour playlist of music, calming aromatherapy, and flameless candles to make the delivery room a peaceful place. That fan was a godsend and I used every last minute of that playlist to pass those 36 hours. Thank goodness for crowdsourced information.

While you’re at it, those groups are like parenting Yelp on steroids for scoping out nannies to share and music classes to take your baby to so you can get out and meet other moms, as well. Whenever you have the opportunity to ask parents who are a little further down the road on their journey what advice they would share with new parents, it can lead to a really deep and meaningful conversation that can help you feel like you’re not in this alone. I remember the best advice I received from several of the hospice patients I worked with as they reflected back on their lives is that parenting is the best thing, and the hardest thing you ‘ll ever do. They were right!

The bottom line is there are so many resources available to help you through this time, but sometimes new parents are simply too exhausted to look for them.Read a few parenting books to help you feel empowered and competent, but don’t overdo it with books because your baby will invariably be different than what you expected in some way, shape or form. I like the What to Expect the First Year because it breaks down what to do month by month, making it more manageable to digest. Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book is a good reference volume and The Happy Sleeper I recommend to, well, everyone.

What you can do that is simple but really adds up is one thing per day for your self-care. Start to develop your practice of calming and rejuvenating techniques. Don’t underestimate simple things like exercising for endorphins, breathing exercises, listening to an uplifting podcast or a Stop, Breath and Think guided meditation. Because we are social creatures and having a new baby can be very isolating, start now by surrounding yourself with positive friends who do not bring you down or drain you in any way.

And get comfortable with the idea of asking for help. You won’t like it, but you need to.

Ask friends and family to come over after the baby is born to hold her for a couple hours so you can sleep. Ask a good friend to set up a mealtrain website so people will bring you food (or send take out!) People want to help, but they often don’t know how to help and they need direction. When friends offer to come visit, tell them they are welcome between 2-3:30pm, for example, and stick to your timeframe so you’re not more exhausted after they leave. (I was terrible at that and always regretted it.) If your friendships fluctuate, if you’re not able to be as involved as you once were, mourn that loss. Open yourself up to possibility that the changes in your energy level, relationships, and health status are temporary. You grew a human being and now this very easily overstimulated tiny human needs you for survival. It won’t stay this way forever. Someday soon, she will crawl, walk, talk, and become extremely independent, informing you emphatically that she can do things on her “own,” and you will miss the tiny baby phase, at least a little bit. But until the day when you are able to take a 10 minute, non-crying shower while she plays contentedly in her room, I’m sorry, good luck, you can do this, and congratulations!

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Coping Tools, PPD

I thought it was called the “Baby Blues,” not “Seeing Red”…Why am I so ANGRY?

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Sometimes, when you’re struggling with a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, the smallest thing happens and then out of nowhere…yowza! You’re out-of-control angry, seeing red, and trying not to punch something. Where does that come from? “I was never an angry person before!” you’re thinking. “I don’t recognize myself, and I don’t like it.” Or worse, the people around you might be pointing that out for you…

Fight-or-flight mode, my friends. In this heightened state of arousal, your prehistoric self would have been able to fight off a bear or run from a saber-toothed tiger. (Or is it the other way around?) The point is, you can only take so much stimulation from fear-producing stimuli (aka all the anxiety you’re experiencing as a new parent with a tiny, helpless, wailing infant) before you panic and run, or fight back. You can’t really run away in this case, so you fight. Picking a fight gives all that cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline an outlet. Like a pressure release valve, you might feel better temporarily afterwards. You might even feel empowered. When you feel helpless, especially, about your circumstances, anger makes you feel strong and powerful again. It can be a seductively intoxicating feeling.

Ask yourself, what’s underneath my anger right now? Anger, like physical pain in your hand sends the signal to stop touching the hot pan on the stove, sends a signal that something is emotionally wrong and needs your attention. Am I feeling helpless to change my circumstances? Am I feeling hopeless about accomplishing what I set out to do today? Did I feel disrespected by my friend’s thoughtless comment, grief over losing my pre-baby freedom, or just plain worn out? Sometimes, anger arises seemingly out of nowhere to remind you about YOU! If you have done 20 things for the baby and your family, but you haven’t eaten yet and it’s afternoon, no wonder you’re angry! (Or hangry, in my case.) Or maybe you haven’t had an hour to yourself all week and you’re starting to feel resentful, exhausted, or depressed. That’s not where you want to stay, but it’s normal.

Realizing where the anger is coming from is the first step to releasing it. Addressing what’s underneath it is the second step. Accepting, and acting on, the importance of self-care to fill your well is the third.

With every new mom I meet, even if it’s only for two minutes in an elevator ride (true story!) I encourage her to ask herself every day: What is one thing can I do for my self-care today?  Here is a mindfulness exercise you can do anytime, anywhere, starting today.

The FLOW Exercise

Feel it

Label it (without judging)

Open the Window to let it go

Optional: Be curious, wonder where that thought came from and if you want to keep it, or be righteously indignant like a prosecuting attorney and cross-examine your thoughts that are not helpful or kind to you.

Envision your feelings of anxiety or anger, for example, not as something that is is inside of you but something that is passing in front of you. Like a cloud passing by, you see it, take a curious stance towards it, but it does not own you and you do not own it. You feel it, label what the feeling is (“anger”), and then you envision yourself opening the window to let it float away. Feelings come and go. The more intense they are, the more energy they consume, making them less sustainable. Our goal is to let them be what they are, which is fleeting, instead of closing in on them and holding onto them too tightly, and let them FLOW on by. 

Dr. Cassandra Vieten, in her article on Mindful parenting, writes “Mindful [parenthood], simply put, is being present in your body, and connected with your baby even when the going gets rough. It’s being aware of your experience from moment to moment, as it is happening, without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good. It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often, approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.” 

It’s funny, anger can’t really stand the scrutiny of curiosity and compassion. Anger dissipates when we give ourselves grace to feel what we feel and address it, to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others from a place of health and gratitude.

Yesterday, nothing went as planned. I breathed using the Fours breathing exercise. I listened to the Stop, Breath & Think meditation below. I worked out to get endorphins. But honestly, I was still disappointed. Ironically, I saw this card in a bookstore shortly thereafter and realized, though nothing went as planned, I didn’t get angry this time. I called the feeling what it was (disappointment) and let it FLOW by instead of giving it undue attention and allowing it to escalate into anger. I’m counting that as progress. Today, I felt like I didn’t have the time or space to do those things that work so well when I do them before I got angry. So, every day is different. Progress is not always linear in the forward direction, but I’ll celebrate small victories and continue to cultivate peace proactively.

My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Relax, Ground & Clear. Will you join me? #sbt

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Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Tinder for Moms, aka How to Combat Isolation and Find your Tribe

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There really should be a Tinder app for moms who want to make new mom friends–it feels so much like dating! Scene: You see another mom in the park who looks like someone you want to spend time with. She’s pretty cute. So is her kiddo. You even have the same stroller! You both catch each other’s furtive glances. You take the plunge and ask for her number… She says YES! You suggest a time and place and then you agonize over what to do, (if I invite her over is that too forward?) what to wear, (does this shirt show too much cleavage because that can’t be helped while breastfeeding), and how to get a second date. (She said she wants to, did she mean it?)

When you’re already exhausted from juggling work/relationships/baby/life, jumping onto the emotional rollercoaster of mom dating is like adding one more thing you didn’t know you needed to do to your already impossible to-do list. But oh, do you need it. Who else can you commiserate with about the poop you didn’t know was on your shirt but kept smelling for three whole hours, until the sun came up and you went outside to walk the dog? Who else cares about which stroller/carseat/baby-wearing-thingamajig you should buy except another parent who has also spent too many hours to count researching these things and secretly feels superior for choosing the perfect product for her precious infant’s needs? When you want someone to laugh at the adorable thing your baby did this morning, like cooing all the vowels along with you, or cry with you about how much breastfeeding hurts like a mother, it’s going to be your mom friends, all the way.

 

I had my first mom date when EV was four months old. I was so nervous (and excited!) mostly because I was so lonely, and needed it so desperately. I felt the impulse to speed date and make mom friends fast, while simultaneously limited by the fact that I worked and wasn’t available everyday, or able to afford the expensive mommy & me groups, or able to string coherent sentences together because EV kept us up all night long. Everyone is dealing with limitations like that, even if they’re not the same as yours. I did take the plunge to ask for her number and invite her over to our house, and it didn’t backfire. (I got lucky. If that doesn’t happen for you, try, try again!) That’s what our babies are doing right? Everything they try is new. Be inspired by their fearlessness. It feels incredible to be instantly understood by a new mom friend. With a good mom friend, you don’t have to explain every, little thing, or justify all your choices. Mom friending is a no judgment zone, or at least, it should be. If it’s not, abort, abort, abort.

The first time that another mom asked for my number…wow! What a relief not to be the one doing all the chasing for once. The roles were reversed…woohoo! I had confirmation that despite the awkwardness, I was not the only one who desperately needed mom friends, too! And we, to this day, get together with our little ones almost weekly. I value her discernment, her insight, her frankness, and her empathy. Ultimately, this taught me to choose quality over quantity, mamas. Choose moms who lift you up and who you can learn from, but who don’t claim to have it all together.

Oh, but that tiny, insignificant dragon called Nap Schedules loves to rear it’s ferocious, little head and make life difficult. Sometimes you meet a mama with whom you have a great connection, and you have to be persistent and ride it out. You really like each other, but if your baby takes two naps exactly in the space between her baby’s three naps, you’re left with a half hour right after you wake up or before they go to bed to get together; it ain’t gonna happen. So there are some losses along the way, too, but I still maintain that being able to text an encouraging message or a “help!” or a “what do you think?” is way more valuable than nothing at all. In other words, in my opinion, no amount of investment in a mom friend will be wasted if it helps you feel less alone. And eventually, their naps will realign.

In a study in the Journal of Clinical Nursing by Leahy-Warren, mothers with strong social support (read: mom friends!) who also feel a sense of self-efficacy (i.e. confident in their parenting skills) were “75 percent less likely to be depressed” according to this recent article in the Scientific American. Having mom friends to bounce ideas off of, learn new tips from, borrow parenting books from, and confirm what you’re doing well as you observe your babies growing up together definitely contributes to that sense of confidence in one’s ability to parent well.

So, what worked?

  1. Smile. Say hi. Compliment something about her or her baby. Every mama could use some encouragement, and it’s a good place to start.
  2. Ask her how motherhood is treating her so far, and really listen. Sometimes words come out in torrents because she’s lonely and hasn’t talked to an adult in a few days. The gift of listening is the greatest you can give.
  3. Laugh about something that happened to you this week to break the ice. Poop stories always worked for me.
  4. Find a local Facebook mom’s group, or three. I’m in several for different reasons: an international one called the Motherhood Collective with approximately 5,000 moms that’s a great place to poll people and get quick feedback because there are so many members; one for my corner of LA for planning local playdates and getting recommendations in our neighborhood; and one for PPD, that at times, can get a intensely emotionally heavy, but at other times, is a safe space to be able to vent if I need to or ask others to help me remember I’m not alone. (Caveat: I do not spend much time in that last one because it can scare me or bring me down almost instantaneously if I’m having an emotionally permeable day. I cannot stress enough that you need to first of all, safeguard yourself emotionally.)
  5. Take the initiative. The ability to post a playdate option that works for your schedule and see who shows up is like a self-sorting process. That allows you to hold court instead of scrambling to get out the door and be late/frazzled/stressed about getting together. (How I wish I had figured that out sooner!)
  6. Pick a local park and go there every week, preferably on the same day and time, to see who you meet. Organic friendships will evolve from this type of intentionality. You will find EV and me at our neighborhood park every Tuesday afternoon from approximately 3-5pm. Simply knowing that a handful of moms and babies will be there most of the time is a huge relief. No planning necessary, anymore!
  7. Check out free introductory sessions at local children’s centers or museums. Going to a music or art class helps break up the day. Forget, “take one day at a time.” Sometimes, as a mama, you’re not sure how you’re going to get through the next hour, let alone the whole day! Zooga Yoga has been that place for us, a place that we are both uplifted by with its cheerful orange walls and “Baila Baila” Spanish music class on Wednesday mornings. When you start to see the same people each week, it takes away some of the awkwardness of asking to get together outside of class. “Do you want to get a latte together afterwards?” doesn’t seem so silly when you’ve just finished jumping around the room to a rousing rendition of “Cabeza, hombros, piernas, pies.”
  8. Good, old-fashioned Meetup.com works for a lot of people. Some people are really into stroller strides, or MOPS, or parent and baby yoga…and many of these meetups are completely free!
  9. Find mom friends with PPD/PPA, and find mom friends who do NOT have a perinatal mood disorder. (I think this might be the most important one.)  You’re aiming to validate, and take a nonjudgmental stance towards, your feelings, while aiming to heal, and grow.  I love how Dr. Shoshana Bennett asks, “Do you want to get back to your old self? Or do you want a better self?” Spending time with mamas who are not clinically depressed but still experience the normal highs and lows of parenting, will be equalizing for you.
  10. If you cant get over the awkwardness of asking moms for their numbers at the park, or it never seems to go anywhere, take your mom dating online! My friend, Olivia, and the creator of Hey! Vina actually signed up for an online dating site when she first moved to San Francisco to search for awesome lady friends…now, thanks to her app, you don’t have to! Their fun quizzes help you find a good friend match. (And Tinder backs them up!) Hello Mamas helps you find local mamas with “similar interests, schedules, families, challenges, and personalities.” Key word: schedules. Ah yes, back to the Nap Schedules…
Bonus Tired mama hack: if sleep deprivation is killing your memory’s brain cells, and you can’t remember her name, write down her baby’s name, or ask her to put her number in your phone and put her baby’s name in the contact as well, so you can keep track. Jot down in a note on your phone a one sentence blurb to help you remember what you talked about or what you want to ask her next time you see her.
 Good luck, and happy friending!
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Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Stories of 100% Recovery

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This is the most important thing you will read today: stories of 100% recovery from a perinatal mood disorder are not mythical unicorns. Recovery stories are numerous and they are real. Dr. Shosh’s work and the work of these parents who not only survived, but are thriving, is incredibly inspiring to me as I sit here writing on this rainy day. I couldn’t not share it with you.

Her question that I heard on a podcast recently, “Do you want to get back to your old self, or do you want to be a better version of yourself?” is everything. Yes, we need to validate our feelings and learn to take a curious observer stance with them, not judging them as they pass by our consciousness like clouds on the wind in a sky stormy one minute, blue the next; but sometimes, the best thing you can do is to replace the seemingly incessant worry, fear, negativity, sadness with stories that give you hope and teach you HOW to heal.

I want to be a better version of myself, not just for me, but for EV. I want a story that teaches her how to handle her feelings, how to continue to evolve and add to her coping skill set as life throws new challenges at her. I want to look up with expectancy on a dark day, envisioning the feeling of the sun on my face until that manifests into my reality.

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Coping Tools

My Prayer for a Weary Parent

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It’s been a little while. I’ll admit, I lost some time and momentum since the results of the election knocked the wind out of me. Many Americans,myself included, and others who are worried around the world, have needed some time to grieve, to regroup, and to figure out how to most effectively use their freedoms to combat what they perceive as attacks on their freedoms and the freedoms of others.  I think part of the answer to that is to keep living the best life we can. So during this brief reprieve while EV is napping, I am answering the essential question, “What is one thing I can do to nourish myself today?” by  taking some time to breathe, meditate, and write today. And while I do, I want you to know that I’m praying for you, for all parents out there, whether you live in the U.S., or Syria, wherever you are…

My Prayer for a Weary Parent

May you wake refreshed from dreamless sleep.

May your first cup of caffeine be effective.

May your aching hips find equilibrium even as they carry your children.

May you let go of needless worry with each breath as you seek solutions.

May your priorities be your emotional health and that of the little people you have been given.

May you feel unconditionally loved as you show unconditional love.

***

My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Gratitude. Will you join me?  #sbt

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Coping Tools

10 Tips For Couples Transitioning from Partners to Parents:

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1) Remember to use “I feel” statements when approaching your partner about something that hurt your feelings, i.e. “I felt _____ when you did ______. Next time, can you please do ______ instead?”  Or if you’re not comfortable with that, if that feels too confrontational, then try (my favorite!) question of Brené Brown’s instead: “The story I’m telling myself is…” In other words, you might say, “The story I’m telling myself is that you did XYZ because you’re upset with me. Is that true?” This gives the other person a chance to say, “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all. Let me clarify.” It can be like a code between you two for let’s talk about this non-confrontationally.

2) Start with “I know you’re doing the best you can” before explaining what hurt your feelings. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt from the start can diffuse a tough situation instantaneously. Another way to do that is: “This time has changed most everything for us, so let’s help each other know what the other person needs. Do you want to go first, or do you want to talk about it after you’ve had time to think and write it down?” And then you take turns talking about how to help each other avoid some of those pitfalls.

3) When he’s in fix it mode and you just want to talk about how you feel, preface the conversation with “I need to vent for a little bit. Can you please listen without offering suggestions until the end?” Or try, “Something that would really help me is if when I’m talking about my day, you would ask me when I’m ready to hear your suggestions, or wait until the end.” You can add on: “I want to hear your ideas next.”

4) If he’s feeling jealous of your time with the baby, like he’s left out, or feels like his opinions/ideas are not wanted or heard: validate, validate, validate. “I’m hearing that you feel left out.” Or if it’s about an idea he wants to try:  “Sure, we could try that and see how it goes.” Validating feelings takes the edge off of them. It shows you’re trying to work together.

5) Catch your partner in the act of doing a good job with the baby: “I love how you sing silly songs to her, read to her, tell her about your day while you change her diaper, are so patient when she’s crying because she’s gassy, make funny faces at her, play with her toys, etc.” Then take pictures to text your partner later when you’re apart as a love note or thank you.

6) Intimacy does not have to mean sex. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by, play with her hair while you watch TV, give him a quick peck on the neck. All of that counts towards making both of you feel loved. Oxytocin and endorphins released from touch are nature’s antidepressants!

7) Ask your partner to help you find the humor in the situation; laugh together about the giant poop blowout or the crazy bad piece of advice the neighbor gave you. Laughter will neurochemically help to calm you down and destress together.

8) When you’re having a hard time finding anything to talk about or appreciate about your partner, try reminiscing about and describing to each other the pre-baby good times: vacations you’ve taken together, really great sex you’ve had, dinner dates, when you first met. Shifting your awareness and attention to the positive reinforces your bond. Who knows, you might inspire yourselves to have really great sex tonight!

9) Don’t let things fester: if you find yourself starting to keep score, or you have a long list of grievances in your head, it’s past time to have a chat in a non-confrontational way. Whether it’s during the baby’s nap on a weekend or while your parents watch the baby for you, do it before you feel contempt, bitterness or rage. Don’t wait until it’s super late and you’re both exhausted. Start with something that is going well, transition to your prioritized grievance, and end with something that is going well.

10) Even if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner. You might surprise yourself and like it more than you thought you would. If you’re needing a little encouragement in this department, especially as new parents, listen to The Longest Shortest Time podcast episode #96 by Esther Perel or read her book, Mating in Captivity.

***

My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Forgiveness. Will you join me?  #sbt

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Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Your Postpartum Daily Vitamin

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Find your mantra: Mine ways, “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m a fan of,  “I will be kind and gentle with myself today,” too.

Find your tribe. You cannot do this alone. You need people who get what you’re going through right now. And you might have to let go of some friends who are not understanding and helpful right now. It’s hard to make new friends, but more likely than not, that other new parent you see at the park is lonely, too.

Be curious. Step back and look at what you’re feeling from different angles. Don’t be afraid of your feelings and shove them away. You don’t have to deal with it right now. Just having the willingness to lean into the difficult emotion at some point gives you a sense of competency and courage that might give you the strength you need to get through the day.

Be truthful. Be truthful about your new reality. You have a new reality: a good one, but a hard one. Be truthful when others ask you how you are. Being truthful could free up someone else to talk about her struggles, help someone else feel not alone, help you find meaning in your struggle. Or it could help you find some much needed emotional and practical support. Acknowledge that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. Your mental state is affected by getting showered and dressed. Your feelings of shame are affected by binge eating. Don’t be afraid to speak the truth. Usually, speaking the truth out loud takes the power out of it.

Be kind: If you choose to be kind to yourself, you will feel that you deserve kindness and grace during this hard season. You would give it to another mom or dad in this situation in an instant. Give it readily to yourself. That means checking your mean thoughts at the door. You wouldn’t accept that from a friend or your mother-in-law. Don’t accept it in your own mind. Being kind means giving yourself grace when you feel you have messed up by looking at it as a learning opportunity, acknowledging that you need help sometimes and that is ok, learning from but not allowing yourself to ruminate on your mistakes.

Find meaning: Find a way to give back to the next mama you meet, whether it’s something as simple as opening the door for her while she’s struggling with the carseat, giving a meal to a new family after the birth of their baby, creating art out of your pain, or joining a postpartum organization to help others.

Practical things that helped me, and could help you, too. Everyone is different, but you never know until you try:

–Tell yourself, this won’t last forever. You will make it through this season.

–Ask yourself: What one thing can I do for my self-care today? (Not laundry or dishes, but something that nourishes your soul.) 

–Reframe worry as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so, stop ruminating when it’s not. Print out a STOP sign on your fridge if need be.

–Breathe. Take big deep breaths, lion breaths, sighs, etc. like you practiced for during labor.

–Sing out emotions as a silly song or dance. Silliness can diffuse the tension, makes the baby smile, makes you feel like a good mom, and makes you breathe! Singing is cathartic.

–Even though it sucks, exercise. Endorphins are Mother Nature’s antidepressant! 

–Even if you don’t want to at first, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and have sex to feel connected to your partner (It counts as exercise, right?) You might have more fun than you expected! Reframe sex as play. 

–Get your feelings OUT. Journal for 5 minutes. Belt a sad song. Scream gutturally. Dance to your favorite feel good song. Cry for 10 minutes. Make a list of all the things that are not right right now. Make a list of the moments that you felt like a good mom, the “I’ve got this” moments, fleeting as they may be. Just get them out.

–Celebrate the strength of women and mamas around the world. Look up a story about a woman you respect.

–Thinking about helping others with your stories, too!

–Talking to other parents who are ahead of you on the journey, .ie. done with breastfeeding or through the little kid phase, and seeing how their lives are more their own again can give you hope.

–Make a date with another parent. Seeing someone else going through the same thing can lighten your load.

–Download the app, Stop, Breath & Think. Listen to a meditation once a day for a few minutes and watch your patience grow as you practice mindfulness.

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Coping Tools, Recipes

Sweet Pea Muffins a.k.a. Breakfast, Solved!

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These are my breakfast saviors. Give me something I can warm up in 30 seconds and has fruits/veggies/whole grains in it to keep me energized and satisfied until lunchtime, and I’ll be a happy mama. Most importantly, I can eat it with my left hand while I juggle five other things with my right.  Enjoy!

Sweet Pea Muffins, so named after the nickname we gave to EV 🙂

Purée 1 c. defrosted frozen peas &  1/2 banana  with a tbs of water

Mix together with:

1/3 c. Agave 

1/3 c. Coconut oil 

2 egg whites 

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. lemon juice 

1/4 tsp. salt

1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. baking soda

1 c. whole wheat flour

(Gluten intolerant option: 1/2 c. Spelt flour plus 1/2 c. Bisquick gluten free flour,  aka Rice flour with 1/2 teaspoon of xantham gum and 1/2 of baking powder) 

1/2 c. Oats (oat bran makes it heartier)

Spoon into silicon muffin cups to the top and bake at 425 for 10 minutes and at 375 for 8 minutes. Breakfast, for mama or baby, solved!

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Coping Tools, Postpartum Anxiety, PPD

Learning to Flex Your “Uncertainty Muscle,” or Specific Coping Tools for Dealing with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

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The visual I want to give you today is flexing your “uncertainty muscle.” Imagine your pre-baby life for a moment: you wake up to an alarm that you set, maybe hit snooze once our twice, shower, dress in something that expresses your personality or your desired professional persona, sip steaming hot coffee, have the mental space to plan out your day and most of the time, it goes (somewhat) according to plan. Post-baby, you’re lucky if you get a shower and one thing on your list accomplished.

Living with so much uncertainty, not even knowing if you will be able to attend to any of your own needs today, is extremely difficult for us as humans, let alone women in one of the most vulnerable seasons of life—recovering from the effects of pregnancy and birth on our bodies, sleep-deprived like we’re being tortured in a POW camp, breastfeeding (which is a whole bundle of challenges in and of itself), attempting to scale the Everest-sized learning curve of conflicting parenting information on the internet and from unwanted advice, and most likely stressing about finances and our marriages.

While we have very little we can actually DO about all these stressors, we can, little by little, like an underdeveloped muscle that we are working on at the gym, start to flex our “uncertainty muscle” and watch it grow with practice and post-workout pain. We don’t have to like it, but we can learn to accept some of the uncertainty and cope with it, using some of the tools below. As we slowly realize that uncertainty is universal to all mothers in this season of life, we are reminded we are not alone. Like childbirth, other mothers have survived this helpless baby phase, and we will too. So what do we do to keep our sanity?

Just to throw some levity (and more uncertainty) into your day…

First, a fun question for you: “As a parent, you have a conundrum. You are always tired, hungry, and dirty. You can only solve two of these issues, max. What do you do?”

Sample answers: eat a sandwich in the shower; eat a scoop of peanut butter and fall asleep dirty; shower and nap nut digest your own stomach lining. Now post yours in the comments…Go!

Six coping tools for dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, or the stress of just plain old uncertainty:

1. Laughter: Laugh with your partner about the silly faces your baby makes, at funny videos online, with other mothers at the ads for baby items where everything looks white and pristine (sans spit up). We know that laughter is our best medicine, but it can feel like such an effort sometimes, like dragging a boulder up hill because guess what, everything is a huge effort in life right now and your reserves are depleted and you’re not sure you’ll ever sleep again, let alone sleep in, so things don’t seem so funny right now. But we know from science that laughter releases feel good neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine and helps to reduce the amount of cortisol, the stress hormone in your system. If you need a little inspiration, laugh (in a non-bitter way, ) at Buzzfeed  or HuffPost articles about the challenges you never thought you’d face as parents. There is humor in the mess and the mystery of motherhood.

2. Progressive muscle relaxation: Did any of you hear the phrase growing up, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” Well, sometimes when you have nothing good to think, there’s no need to think anything at all. Ground yourself in your physicality, in your body. We are more than our thoughts; we are body, soul, and psyche. If you feel like you can’t turn off the negative or anxious thoughts in your head, or if it’s more subtle than that and you just can’t shake those down, blah, moving in slow motion feelings, try this exercise called progressive muscle relaxation. It’s like a guided meditation you can do for yourself, in which you simply tell each of your body parts to clench and let go, and you physically do it. The beauty of it is you can do it sitting down or standing up, whether you’re changing a diaper, washing bottles, driving, showering, or laying in bed. Starting at your feet, say either  in your mind or out loud, “Feet, tense up and release. Calves, tense up and release. Thighs, tense up and release. Hips, tense up and release. Stomach, tense up and release. Chest, tense up and release. Hands, tense up and release. Arms, tense up and release. Shoulders, tense up and release. Neck, tense up and release. Jaw, tense up and release. Head, tense up and release. Eyes, close and open up.” And while you’re at it, your OB would appreciate it if you would throw in a few Kegel exercises. 😉

3. Get your feelings OUT: Journal for 5 minutes. Belt a sad song that makes you feel like the songwriter gets your pain. Scream gutturally. Run or dance to your favorite feel good song. Punch a pillow. Cry on the couch for 10 minutes and then get up and wash your face. Make a list of all the things that are not right right now. Just get them out so they stop rolling around like marbles in your head.

4. The Fours Breathing Exercise: when you feel your heart and mind racing, focus on your breath. Count to four as your breathe in, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold the emptiness for four. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is what military snipers and emergency medical personnel trying to keep a trauma victim alive are trained to do. This is not too simple to be effective. This is for badasses. And you as a parent, doing a thousand things a day that no one notices, are actually keeping another human being alive. You are a badass. So breathe…in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. (Practice it now.)

5. Reframe Worry as Evolutionarily Adaptive: Intrusive thoughts of harm coming to your baby are not pleasant, but they are very, very common to parents. Think about it, we as parents care for the most helpless, least developed mammals on the planet, and so it makes sense that a switch would be flipped in our brains to turn on those annoying and sometimes horrifying thoughts to warn us to avoid sharp objects, take a wide birth around corners and edges, watch your step on slippery surfaces, dodge the snarling dog in case it lunges at you and your baby. So reframe those intrusive, worrisome thoughts as evolutionarily adaptive and look for it to be so. Think of it like a good thing gone overboard, and tell someone who will understand in order to take away the power the thought is holding over you. Shame causes us to be secretive sometimes. I will say it again: these thoughts are not pleasant, but they are common to parents. Brush away the worry that you are going crazy like an annoying fly buzzing about your head. Thoughts come and go. Only when we focus our attention on them do we give them an unnecessary amount of power. Then, stop ruminating. Tell your brain, “I got the memo, I will avoid the sharp corner. No need to remind me again.” Print out STOP sign on your fridge if you need a visual reminder. Or put a coin in your pocket to remind yourself that sometimes our weaknesses are the flip side of the coin of our strengths.

6. Find your mantra: Mine ways, “I’m doing the best that I can.” I’m a fan of,  “I will be kind and gentle with myself today,” too. In the moments when I wanted to scream but I was literally looking at my baby—an example would be when I couldn’t soothe her for the longest time and I felt so inept, so helpless and frustrated, and I. just. Wanted. It. To. Stop.—I would say “I’m doing the best I can.” Part prayer, part plea, oh, how I wanted her to hear that and understand me. Of course she couldn’t yet, she was only four months old, but it helped me center myself so I (more importantly) did not scare her and could keep my attachment bond with her healthy.  Besides, on a deeper level, how will I teach her to have grace for herself someday when she feels like she is failing if I don’t start with myself in the here and now? Try saying it aloud to yourself, “I’m doing the best that I can.”

***

My Stop, Breathe & Think Meditation for today: Change. Will you join me?  #sbt 

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