In my work as a therapist with my clients, and in conversations with the wise women in my life, a common theme keeps resurfacing: exhaustion with performative healing. We are collectively putting down spiritual bypassing, the aesthetic of wellness, and endless intellectualizing, such as simply “knowing the reasons why” without actually feeling more alive. (That’s what we’re all after, isn’t it?)
We’ve had enough. We’re done. Maybe it’s a gift of perimenopause? It’s not that we’re done growing. Far from it. We’re simply done with someone else telling us what we need to do to be whole, healthy, happy, complete. We’re stepping into a new era of authentic feeling that moves us into alignment with our values and creates actual behavior change, which can look like honoring our needs, setting firm boundaries and allowing ourselves to be whimsical, weird, wild, and whole-hearted, all in the same day.
The question, then, becomes personal. What makes us feel in touch with all the parts of our whimsical, weird, wild, and whole-hearted selves? As a therapist and a writer, that’s what I’m interested in.
Part of me #1, the trauma therapist, knows it’s not always simple. I am in awe of the fact that I get to walk alongside people on their healing journey, especially from something traumatic that wrongly changed the sense of who we were before vs. after it happened. I’m deeply aware that it requires re-establishing a sense of self-trust to feel safe enough to connect with and express ourselves. EMDR therapy is incredibly effective for desensitizing to the traumatic incident and the negative core belief that resulted from it. Part of me #2, the writer, believes that’s also where a character’s journey can show us how to go about doing that.
On that note, I had the pleasure of bringing my dear friend and colleague, Caitlyn Wallace, LCSW, PMH-C of Desert Bloom Wellness, NV with me to be interviewed together on a bibliotherapy podcast called The Character’s Toolkit. The host, Marisa, a therapist herself, interviews authors and clinicians on each episode to discuss what we can learn from fiction. Fun fact: I was the first fiction author she has had on her podcast who is also a therapist. Definitely check out all her episodes, if you’re interested!
Back to the parts concept, it occurred to me, as I’ve been on book tour with In Her Own Backyard and in conversation with readers, that all parts of me truly have coalesced in this weird and wonderful novel. First off, it was a wild idea that arrived in my brain like an invitation from the universe to which I wholeheartedly said, “Yes, I will write that.”
Who else would write a mystery novel about a woman feeling completely lost in her postpartum mental health struggles who then reconnects with herself as she looks into a missing woman’s whereabouts? It’s everything I love, combined. Justice for a cold case and a parallel journey of healing? Yes, please.
I realized I’ve been straddling the intersection of creativity and mental health my whole career; to me, it’s all one thing. That’s what we do in therapy, in writing and in life, if we’re lucky: shed the shameful messages of brokenness, connect with the many parts of ourselves and find meaning, joy, and beauty in the weirdness.
Each of the main characters, Marlowe and her circle of mama friends, carries a part of me that I wanted to explore in my novel. Naturally, then, my favorite part has been hearing from readers what they connected with: it’s most often the friendship amongst the circle of mama friends and Marlowe’s realistic journey of healing, slowly, through trial and error, with many steps forward and back along the way, moments of delight/gratitude/awe for her babies and her body, mixed in with moments of despair and hopelessness that it will always be this way, and curiosity when it arises within her. Nothing was glossed over because these are the honest conversations I have in my therapy practice with parents on a journey of healing from perinatal mental health struggles, and what I went through, too.
As I’ve spoken with readers, one person shared, “This story, these characters opened my heart and mind to have more compassion for people going through perinatal mental health struggles, and for myself and my own struggles.” Oh, how that makes my therapist’s and my writer’s heart sing! Mission accomplished.
Because I believe we heal in community, the mama friends are each other’s lifelines. They see the good in each other, even when they are struggling. They show up for each other with food, yes, and also with humor, with playdates to lighten the load of childcare, with resources, with ideas, with their own superpowers, and with vulnerability, asking each other for support, not acting like they have it all together. They bring comedy when life gets heavy, too. (Comedy is one of this trauma therapist’s favorite outlets.) They have everything they need in themselves and each other; they are complete.
Whether in my therapy practice supporting parents through perinatal mental health struggles or in my creative writing, such as exploring these themes through characters in my novel In Her Own Backyard, one theme remains constant: we heal in community.
Curiosity, for me, will always be the antidote. Creativity is one of the ways I take action and align with my values. When we stop shaming ourselves for our complexities and instead allow all our parts to coalesce, we discover that we don’t need to strive to be well. We simply need permission to be ourselves, curiosity towards ourselves and others, and a good community.
If you are navigating a season of transition, healing from trauma, or seeking a supportive therapeutic space to help your parts come home to one another, I invite you to reach out and learn more about my private practice work at Healing Home Counseling.
